The box is getting smaller, I gotta get out

So I finally had a moment to look up some lyrics I heard while in the car the other evening. I left the house really needing to get out. I needed sometime to myself. I had errands to run but that's a mom's escape. So, it was good enough.

I drove by the old hospital (a new one opened this summer). The place where she died. I drive by all the time... and swallow it. Every time. You can't not think about it somewhere in your head, the place you went with Hope and left - left an entire life behind and began a new one.

As I crested this hill that day, just after passing that awful place - it was M and all my love for her that flooded my aching soul. I do a lot of crying in the car when I'm alone. That moment it was for M. My sis-in-law.... it was one of the first moments it sank into reality - the reality of her goneness. And my so NOT okayness about it.

I never did this before - but I talked to Marie and asked her to give me something - I was so afraid to "test" this. She has come through before - many times without me asking. But those are me giving meaning to things - all be it honest-to-God coincidences that just are hard not to explain otherwise, than somehow, M giving a "wink." 

Well -M used to post a lot of lyrics on facebook, lines from various songs that gave words to well, usually the sad and melancholy moments - she did have many in the last several years of her life. So, would't you know - a song came on I'd never heard before... and it's one that speaks exactly to where I am, not just a few lines here and there, but the whole song. For me, it just, I am going to say maybe M wanted to say, she knows....as God knows, my sadness and the depths that go into wordless aches - that my feelings of disconnection to the world here, are met by connectedness "over there" (if there is this "over there" -my need for it is always my doubt - two thoughts existing in the same place in my head at the same time).

This morning I fought back the tears as I thought about her brother's story, how he and his family were driving up here - and they got the news about M. He had pulled over on the side of the road. He got out of the car and walked in the grass and cried. His three-year old asked her mommy why daddy was crying.

Soon, in two months we'll go to the family house again, that my husband and his family grew up with - that is also a part of my life now - it is the first place I met all of his family -back in the summer 1998.

Last year they didn't speak of her much - we didn't really talk about her. But this year, we will go to the same house and I guess, I don't know, not speak of W? But it will be so loudly real. I love this place and now, I hate this same place too. I'll keep it wonderful for Lil, but now, I just ache ahead-of-time to be in that house with thoughts of all the years before, and W last year, there with his girlfriend who I couldn't wait to call "sis-in-law"... where despite the pain, it seemed like we were going to make it, somehow... We had good times last year. He left early Saturday without saying goodbye. But that was kinda his way. He and his girlfriend were going on a trip out West. We thought we were all okay enough...

All the empty places there are where memories will tear at my heart, where I can look and only ever look back if I want to see them again, there. A place where yet, we never got to bring Gwen...even when I was pregnant with her. Memories or lack there of, both have turned a place I loved into a mental battle - to a place I wish I could just leave in the past so I don't have to "be strong" and face the new sadness there.

Anyway, here's the lyrics to the song that M played for me.

I have no space, no room to move around
And this box is getting smaller
I'm trying to get out

How did I get so far from where I was?
When did I decide to lose my way?
Who have I become?

I've got a new low
All 52 cards in a row
I see now that I won't let go
No I won't let go
Well who am I?
A cold shoulder left to cry
You feel bad? Well so do I
Yeah so do I

I've been right, I've been left
I've been wrong, I've been left behind
I've been up but mostly down

I can not help feeling like I have so much at stake
So I lock myself inside my head
And I just run in place

So many directions I don't know which way to go
I'm so busy doing nothing
I got nothing to show

I've been right; I've been left
I've been wrong; I've been left behind
I've been up but mostly down

I make mistakes just like everybody else
But instead I'm letting go of it
I can't forgive myself

Well I did my time in this windowless box, like it or not
All I got now is today, tomorrow aint here
And yesterday has gone dead on me anyway
---

It's me..that song. Trying to just get into today and stay present today.... because it's the only safe place. If I can stay in today, and not "go back" and not "think forward" then I have a chance to stay above, not sink into the sadness... because I have to walk here, I don't get a choice - and it's hard to walk sunk deep in mud.

So I'll keep trying to shake it all off... I am loosing my life in my sadness. And life, short or long, in the grand scheme of Time - is a freakin blip - 2 months or 100 years, when compared against all the ages  -well, don't register much. So, I gotta somehow, get into the simple moment and live there...

I can go back over that day 100's times. I'm never going to settle. I could have done things differently - I should have done things differently. I screwed up and very well may have contributed to Gwen's death. My gut and heart are sure - that I screwed up... So why keep going back? It's done. It's done. It's done. I'll never have clean hands.

I watched footage of the Tsunami on a PBS documentary yesterday. They have real tragedy and devastation... as do so many others in this world. I do nothing for them if I keep wallowing in my comparative "cake walk."

I gotta get out of the box I've made.

But will I ever feel part of the world again? I want to get out and genuinely live. That feels like too much to ask. It's honestly easier in the box, I'm real there, I'm genuine. I don't want to keep "trying" to be normal... I want to feel it, I want it to feel right.

But, I suppose that's too much to ask. Three people. Loose three teeth and imagine how long that would take to "get used to" - people - well, I guess that's just longer.... I guess that's just the way it is.

And we still have ashes that wait... we still have questions to ask... we still have the big anniversaries, two on the same day in May and one in Oct... almost a year has only been an hour here for us, in our newly forming life.

It makes me so tired. Of thinking. Of running in place. Of feeling so much of everything, the good and the bad.  so tired.

Wish I could...

stop thinking about that day. That week. And everything I wish I did differently - and seeing it all happen differently and seeing us save her in time. You could title the "movies" in my head - "A Million Different Moments where I Could Have Done things Differently that Might Have Saved My Child."

Wish I could wring out my soul and get all the sadness out once and for all.

Wish talking and/writing would make it go away. Would change things.

Wish, wish, wish....

wish.

Wish I didn't still have open ends to follow up with regarding that day.

Wish Anthem would stop sending us mailings, addressed to Gwen, about keeping her up-to date on doc visits and shots.  Really...I have to call them again? Come on.

Wish I could do something with her ashes - wish my husband could get to a place where he even wants to think about it.

Wish my dreams would not be about me dying from a terrorist bomber, or a chosen lethal injection to save me future suffering from some disease, or about Lil drowning, again - and not being able to reach her...  I mean, come on sub-conscience - what is going on here- MUST you feed me that kinda stuff??

Wish I didn't know what CHD was....wish for Gwen and SO many other kids and their parents that there was no such thing as CHD.

Wish wish wish wish wish. Waste. waste, waste waste, waste. So, why can't I drop it all...stop wishing my life away.... cause like it or not, this is my lot, my life and somehow I've gotta start owning it and not hating it.

I'm so tired.

still

Still find myself so sad.

Just sad. Because this is how it is now. This is how it has to be. Because I don't get a choice. It is what it is. Any choices I had - well.... I made them, and here I am.

And I know I have choices in "this". I get that. I can be a "survivor" of crappy things...and I can do it - and without trying (time, it does that all by itself for me - see, look, I'm going forward, "moving on" - hurrah, look at me - being pulled away from those gone, lost, in the past - where I'm supposed to just leave them in peace, with peace...).

In my head tonight is this line (about death);

"I saw him coming (how rotten he looked),
and I watched him as he took and took:
and nothing was mine."


I don't know if I took a wrong turn, was going too fast, was too self-focused, or just plain blind to obvious things. But I played my part and I lost. Then we lost two more... And my mind doesn't forget the details of each moment...

And it's aways at night - after a day trying to be a decent mom to an amazingly wonderful but truly, challenging three-year-old... She's SO sweet and I love this kid like I can't believe - but she is also determined to test me and trips me up constantly in the battles of wills. I pretty much can't get a thing done other then very basic things - so that leaves night. And all day I push away thoughts....and when I sit at last, to work on things that I really need to do... it all floods in... the sadness that has been pecking at me all day - the wandering thoughts down three paths of three people gone.

I get so worn down and so done with everything. I don't know how to be a friend anymore. I don't know how to relate anymore. There is pressure everywhere because that is life - but I'm so quick to fold at this hour and just forget everything and go to bed. Then everything compounds itself and I start the next day even more behind with things...

I can play the part life needs me to play. But I'm not really in it yet. And it's exhausting to exist that way. But I guess eventually I'll end up there... I have to. I can't live two lives.

But for now, I still mostly feel diminished... and lots of sad. Lamenting the future...without each. Eventually I'll get used to what is behind me and what is not ever going to come to pass, for Gwen, for M and for W - but let me tell you - that's hard because - it was going to be so good - I know :) my faith in each of these people was perfect and easy and 100%.

But, here I am, and, the lesson is - here, now - this nowness is everything and it is to be noticed. And, even better - it is to be lived. How? With love - regardless. Love is the instruction regardless. It is allllll about getting over ourselves and getting out into...being the light and the spark. I'll get back to living again someday... And, my hope - is that I do better. Live better.

And for now, nothing is as I'd like it to be - but my house, this mess is a place (a cute saying I read this summer) my house has my daughter sleeping soundly and my husband, though sad too, he is here in this home, reading and trying to make peace with the end of the day - distracting his mind as best he can with his book. And my mom (she had a bad fall down this stairs this weekend) is okay (thank God). There are trees snowing pink flowers - two of them out front. I have cats that have faith that one-day I'll play with them again. I am a terrible friend - but I love my friends so much - and I often think of them and just feel lucky, really lucky for the people I know as friends.

 So many things in my life are in serious need of attention - but I'll try again tomorrow and for now - it's a good night as I reflect on the little tiny world I know. In the next several months I'll hold my brothers and his wife's first born- a girl and my sis-in-law's and her husband's first born son and third baby girl will be born to my brother-in-law and his wife. A cousin of mine is due with a girl the same date that Gwen was due. Another cousin on my husbands side who struggled for years - is expecting a girl. And today I woke up with such excitement and want to be holding my nephew whom I expect to meet in June -it surprised me honestly. I appreciate the rawness that I exist in now, even as it does - leave me also tired for feeling so much. And sad. I am full, but diminished - a strange mix of two extremes. (ha, should I quote Billy Joel again - "darlin' I don't know why I go to extreems.....to high or two low, their an't no in-betweens... sometimes I lie awake night after night, coming apart at the seams..."). No, I'm going to end with Rilke.
-----------

In the beginning life was good to me; it held me warm and gave me courage. That this is granted all while in their youth, how could I then have known of this. I never knew what living was----. But suddenly it was just year on year, no more good, no more new, no more wonderful. Life had been torn in two right down the middle. That was not his fault nor mine since both of us had nothing but patience; but death has none. I saw him coming (how rotten he looked), and I watched him as he took and took: and nothing was mine. What, then, belonged to me; was mine, my own? Was not even this utter wretchedness on loan to me by fate? Fate does not only claim your happiness, it also wants your pain back and your tears and buys the ruin as something useless, old. Fate was present and acquired for a nothing every expression my face is capable of, even to the way I walk. The daily diminishing of me went on and after I was emptied fate gave me up and left me standing there, abandoned. Translated by Albert Ernest Flemming Rainer Maria Rilke

the lovely myopic mess

I want to think out-loud in much more detail about some personal stuff (family stuff)...but I can't. I can't risk it because I'm not at liberty to go into it. But, I have a lot weighing on my mind...

I'm reading some interesting books. Things I want to quote and reflect on and dissect here.

But I can't. I only get to read a little at night, just before I go to sleep - when I should be sleeping and not reading anyway.

Between both blogs I only get to dump 1/3 of all in my head....so much still that I wish I could spend time thinking through and pinning down -that, for me, would be helpful for my "grieving process".... But I can't get through the days the way I need to if I don't get enough sleep. I've learned that one by now.

I can do "manic" for a few days. And well. But I pay. And it's not okay for Lil. I need a functioning brain, end of story. This "stuff" sitting around in my head has to be put on the back burner on another stove...

But even doing that, I feel like I am a split mother - and torn further by the fall-out from the loss of M and W.  (My youngest brother-in-law is just is having a rough time...and that's all I can say here. His mom, I guess is doing the best she can.... It's hard. I'm concerned for him and yet, can't do much. We HOPE to have him here this summer for a long time...but also know, we are inviting a challenge - I know we can't "fix" him... but...we wanna to at least try to be there for him.)

And, besides my lovely, always-huge "to do" list, there are still, so many loose ends, from all that has happened.

Everyone thinks the nightmare is all behind us - but it's so not. I still have to get medical records transferred, and sent to us, and read (I want to read them for myself, ya know)...we still have her ashes in the basement because I can't handle them and what they are (I feel my stomach sink just at the thought, the connection, my baby...)... and I still have to get Lil's heart checked just to make sure she isn't running around with some undetected  CHD. I still need the doctors to answer some questions about Gwen's situation...  sigh. And my husband only talks a little bit about "everything" and cryptically at that, so I never know where he is, in "this" and I can't really get his help with any of the above.

We are so not "out" of anything of what happened last year, instead, I feel we are only just beginning to get in it...to live in it, to exist in how it is now, to face the fall-out, because that's what the "new normal" everyone loves to tout, that's all it is, "fall-out"...and yes, there's plenty of Hope to be found in devastation - but This - it is devastation and, well, what is left? What is left but Hope and Faith?

You have no choice here... it's not courage, it's not strength, it's not wisdom - I literately have to hand everything I knew of Gwen over to Faith, and HOPE to GOD (God?) that Faith is real, that the arms I am giving her too, are really there...and that allllllllll that little huge idea (Faith) is, is.

I have no choice. If I don't hand her to Faith - then well, I'm tossing her away for good - and I can't do that. So - what choice? 

And we all know I don't move forward. Time drags me. I bound forward with no sense of Faith - instead, I know everything that "is" could "switch" to something different - in an instand, before I knew it was happening even - new devastation awaits and I'm just fodder for it all.

Yes, I HOPE that we've seen the worst. But, that's a begging, pleading kind of Hope. I now, I "get" what it means that well, - let's put it this way - It snowed today and my thought was, "hmmmmm, this mostly likely is the last snow of the season, being that it is Virginia and almost April... and who knows, maybe the last snow someone I love will ever see....maybe it could be the last snow I'll ever see. So then it's pretty amazing to see one last snow. I am so glad I got to see one last snow, just in case. Because I know, I know I didn't appreciate the snow earlier, because at the time, I didn't think it would be the last...it was still winter. So as snow probably won't be seen again here 'till  two more seasons move through.... and as "who knows??"... Well then, you enjoy even crappy cold snaps after spirit-lifting warm-spells. Appreciation, because we are all snowmen in early spring. Us and everyone around us.

Anyway. There's just so much...Myers and I keep finding ourselves so depleted and empty, and at different times in different ways. I'm tired of it all, but it's all not going to change.

And there are plenty, plenty of blessings everyday - so many good moments - I'm not all "blah," and cynical and weary...  I could go on and on about the many good things and how really, truly, we are blessed and cocooned - our life is so good... but see, there isn't even time for that (see Lil's blog, I never get there). I promised myself I'd be good tonight and get a bit organized for the week... so off I go.

But, truly I fear I'm going to become someone who goes around in circles in her head while the fires burn around, personally and out-beyond my own little myopic mess.

I was like this before, see. Everyone I know would tell me - I always feel overwhelmed and behind in life... and it's true. I have so many ideas and visions in my head for what I want to do... I'm all "good intentions" and bunny trails and that's it. It just sucks more to find myself in "grief" (to sum it up), wanting to really do something with the mess of everything, and finding the truth again of, "no matter where you go, there you are."

"And all that means is that I'm running on ice
Caught in the vice so strong
I'm slipping and sliding, cause I'm running on ice
Where did my life go wrong

You've got to run
You've got to run

As fast as I can climb
A new disaster every time I turn around
As soon as I get one fire put out
There's another building burning down"

- Billy Joel