"I found myself wondering today
Why do some go and some stay
Do each of our hearts know their way
Through valleys of sorrow and tears
Across oceans of longing and years
And the sound of it all in my ears" - Mary Chapin Carpenter
-------
"Last night I dreamed of icy cliffs
Standing on the precipice
I leaned to see just where the edge would take me
The wind came up, I closed my eyes
I heard a shout and to my surprise
A hand reached out and pulled me back to safety
What's a hand, what's a dream
Who can say what it means
When everything that you know
Can disappear
Don't look back, the spirits cry
Just be glad to be alive
Everything that you love is right here
Everything that you love:" - Mary Chapin Carpenter
How can I ever capture it all... so much goodness in our lives - new nieces and nephews and health all-around minus a few concerns and the normal life things... time has moved on and I promised to stay offline to get my life in better order even as I kinda of laugh at myself - really? Do I really think I'm gonna actually accomplish that and why? I'm the biggest cynic I've ever met but I'm not allowed to give in completely because, well I have this little girl, who through some miracle is still here with me (again, I'm not joking - cynic -) and this little girl takes my breath away and challenges me and well, not to put to much on her, but she is my light and hope - and her childhood is in my hand and it matters to me because, well, mine was good enough and I want that much for her and more if I can do it - whatever is in my power I want for her, because it's my job for now - 'till she is on her own... No one wants a mom as cynical as me, so I can reign it in a little, and it is good to do so - it is only fair to her and everyone around me and probably my soul is relived too.
But I can't record it all, I can't catch this blog up - however, our sadness is, I can only guess from here, going to be our battle forever - and that is just that. It seems to wax and wane, but honestly it feels like is always there, present, unchanging, and just waiting to run through me or my husband and torture our respective souls...
For me, it's that night before, that Thursday night - always a part of me is trying to get back somehow and fix this, all that happened and everything after...
I'm sure of things I did wrong and no one will listen - you start to feel insane as everyone tries to talk you out of the "crazy talk" - because they won't just agree with you and agree that it wasn't unstoppable - it wasn't God, it wasn't part of some big frigging plan beyond my comprehension or imagination... Choices. The wrong ones. We made them. And I had to leave my little baby in a hospital room and walk away from her little body that no longer had life inside and live in this place trying to pretend I'm able to cope and handle it all - but you don't get a choice when something blindsides you.
You have to cope but it's not because I have an ounce of will... I'm so tired of missing people that were here one second and gone the next even as I'm able to fully live and fully love those still here... I'm just tired of having always this part of me that is pulling in the other direction, trying to jump time and get back to that Thursday night... tired of what this sadness feels like and knowing nothing can change what happened now... regret is cruel but I can't cut it loose, it's part of me now and my life now... and I only know that I will make more and more wrong choices again and again... because each new situation is it's own drama... you can't learn a thing in this world except to be a happy cynic if you can, to be content in a cruel world that is trying to kill you and everyone you love. I'm not miserable but I am tired.
And yes, it's a new year but it's hard not to see it as another year of missing and marking the times we lost them - anniversaries of death - two-years is not distance, just new clarity and new ways to miss them. I can only hope I can burn some of this God-forsaken awful energy and do some things that I want to do with it - I have a lot of "projects" in my head - ways to honor her little life and so on... God I hope I can pull it off because so few things matter to me now. Life is simplified for me and that's not a bad thing. And I'm okay, just sometimes I drown in melancholy and ache from pointless agonizing over missing a little girl who would be turning two in March.
Two years old. Lil was two and some change when our second little girl was born. What a wonderful age...
And maybe, just maybe I'll have wasted all this energy grieving so that I won't have the energy to FEAR our Hope for a third child... I promised Lil several times (she asked in various ways and once point blank) that most babies don't die... oh Life, don't make me a liar.
-----
"A picture postcard
A folded stub
A program of the play
File away your photographs
Of your holiday
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/b/joel+billy/souvenir_20072991.html ]
And your mementos
Will turn to dust
But that's the price you pay
For every year's a souvenir
That slowly fades away
Every year's a souvenir
That slowly fades away"
- Billy Joel
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Today
One year ago today, a sweet, gentle, deep, caring person who struggled...whose soul needed to leave his broken mind, broken heart, broken body... He left us a year ago today. I believe he found peace, but am not sure if he knew he was irreplaceable too...
I wish so many thing went differently that day, that week, hell, that year (I know he loved his sister so much, I know loosing his dad suddenly at the age of 12 lived inside him for years...in ways none of us really knew. You can never know another's grief. Then to loose the sister he was closest to in age, the one I watched him grow up with, the one I loved too - you couldn't not love her, that wild, fun, sweet, laughter-inducing girl...to loose her too... that could tip the balance out of anyone's favor. Bipolar or not...).
I see him as someone whose humanity suffocated his soul and his soul needed to survive, to escape and in that moment, his humanity was too much, the battle too huge (at least in that moment, but sometimes, the moments win). His soul was not lost in that. At least, I try to believe...
And here, we will never feel quite the same, for a third time our world shifted - we don't quite fit, we don't quite recognize it - our souls feel his absence here and will always look back wishing we could have reached him - connected to him - helped him, given some relief, something to believe, anything so that he could stay...so that he would stay...
We lost someone so wonderful a year ago. And we had just lost his sister in May. He wrote, one day, quoted this song on his fb page... opened a little bit of his grief to the world;
"When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace"
We loved him. But sometimes love fails. Ultimately, I hope not, but here in this world, sometimes it does.
A year ago, my husband and his sister caught up to him, only to see him laying awkwardly among some rocks below.
I remember the phone call from my husband. I remember where I was standing. I remember the sound of my husbands voice. It's all right there... that moment. Along with all the other moments that glued themselves into my mind from that year of such loss on top of loss...
In May, on the phone first I heard a doctor telling me about my baby, "her heart stopped..."
Later that day my husband recounted a message on his phone from his grandmother, "she fell off a cliff and I think she's dead." She was referring to my sister-in-law.
Then, on this day in October I would hear my husband tell me, "Winship committed suicide." Right aobut now, on a Wednesday morning, on a lovely fall day, at this hour I'm writing - it all happened...I got the call around 10:30. And it was over. He was gone.
Gone.
Another, irreplaceable life lost to us here...
It's been a long year...
"Tears stream, down your face"
-----
My husband recalls how his sister left his house to get him (my husband drove all night to get there and stayed at her house). She went to pick up my husband and make cinnamon rolls to bring to their brother. My husband feels like he backed his brother into a corner by driving down there - that he someone made his brother panic and decide to act... and I can't take that away - I know no one did the right thing or the wrong thing - but the picture gets painted with blame and regret when you see someone at the bottom of a cliff. I hate it all - I hate the hardness of each loss and the inevitable guilt and agony and perfect hindsight that tortures the mind - I hate loss, CHD, Bipolar, I hate cliff edges that steal people in various ways... I HATE it all. Good Lord there had better be a place of perfect rest and peace and something to absorb all this awfulness into a resolution that makes all this dissolve into nothingness... Cause this world is so awful, and it always will be - nothing here works or ever will. I hope to God they are all in a "better place" - God I hope so, they deserve it - for all the hell they were given here.
--
Both my hudband and I found out that the other loved this song. So for today, this is what I'm posting, it fits:
Helplessness Blues
I don't know exactly just why I love this song...besides the title... but something about it, get's to me...it's happy/sad in every single moment - and that's where I live now.
I like this line the best:
"If I know only one thing, it's that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue-tied and dizzy and I can't keep it to myself"
I wish so many thing went differently that day, that week, hell, that year (I know he loved his sister so much, I know loosing his dad suddenly at the age of 12 lived inside him for years...in ways none of us really knew. You can never know another's grief. Then to loose the sister he was closest to in age, the one I watched him grow up with, the one I loved too - you couldn't not love her, that wild, fun, sweet, laughter-inducing girl...to loose her too... that could tip the balance out of anyone's favor. Bipolar or not...).
I see him as someone whose humanity suffocated his soul and his soul needed to survive, to escape and in that moment, his humanity was too much, the battle too huge (at least in that moment, but sometimes, the moments win). His soul was not lost in that. At least, I try to believe...
And here, we will never feel quite the same, for a third time our world shifted - we don't quite fit, we don't quite recognize it - our souls feel his absence here and will always look back wishing we could have reached him - connected to him - helped him, given some relief, something to believe, anything so that he could stay...so that he would stay...
We lost someone so wonderful a year ago. And we had just lost his sister in May. He wrote, one day, quoted this song on his fb page... opened a little bit of his grief to the world;
"When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace"
We loved him. But sometimes love fails. Ultimately, I hope not, but here in this world, sometimes it does.
A year ago, my husband and his sister caught up to him, only to see him laying awkwardly among some rocks below.
I remember the phone call from my husband. I remember where I was standing. I remember the sound of my husbands voice. It's all right there... that moment. Along with all the other moments that glued themselves into my mind from that year of such loss on top of loss...
In May, on the phone first I heard a doctor telling me about my baby, "her heart stopped..."
Later that day my husband recounted a message on his phone from his grandmother, "she fell off a cliff and I think she's dead." She was referring to my sister-in-law.
Then, on this day in October I would hear my husband tell me, "Winship committed suicide." Right aobut now, on a Wednesday morning, on a lovely fall day, at this hour I'm writing - it all happened...I got the call around 10:30. And it was over. He was gone.
Gone.
Another, irreplaceable life lost to us here...
It's been a long year...
"Tears stream, down your face"
-----
My husband recalls how his sister left his house to get him (my husband drove all night to get there and stayed at her house). She went to pick up my husband and make cinnamon rolls to bring to their brother. My husband feels like he backed his brother into a corner by driving down there - that he someone made his brother panic and decide to act... and I can't take that away - I know no one did the right thing or the wrong thing - but the picture gets painted with blame and regret when you see someone at the bottom of a cliff. I hate it all - I hate the hardness of each loss and the inevitable guilt and agony and perfect hindsight that tortures the mind - I hate loss, CHD, Bipolar, I hate cliff edges that steal people in various ways... I HATE it all. Good Lord there had better be a place of perfect rest and peace and something to absorb all this awfulness into a resolution that makes all this dissolve into nothingness... Cause this world is so awful, and it always will be - nothing here works or ever will. I hope to God they are all in a "better place" - God I hope so, they deserve it - for all the hell they were given here.
--
Both my hudband and I found out that the other loved this song. So for today, this is what I'm posting, it fits:
Helplessness Blues
I don't know exactly just why I love this song...besides the title... but something about it, get's to me...it's happy/sad in every single moment - and that's where I live now.
I like this line the best:
"If I know only one thing, it's that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue-tied and dizzy and I can't keep it to myself"
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Time
Is winning.
I'm seriously "behind" in life. I have things I must do and things going on, simple things, normal life things...but stuff that is for me, even too much - it's traveling, returning, traveling again soon, family visiting here, empty garden beds that will fill with weeds again this year if I don't finally decide what to plant where...)
And for all this I just feel totally done. I am so beat-down exhausted and it is manifesting itself by me wanting to get away from EVERYONE. It's really not good. I have several phone calls and probably 10-20 e-mails that I really need to reply to...
And I'm only getting more buried because each day I get nothing done but normal life and yet keep going to bed WAY too late. .. really. bad. cycle, here.
So for now....I'm just going to come here to scream - I really did loose an entire year of my life and oddly only now I'm "feeling it" - now I MISS her in a more physical way, I'm horrifed at the never again-ness of M - and soon I have to face being at the family lake house where we had such a great time with W last year, despite it all... and I'll be with a family who I know, won't talk about these losses....which drives me crazy.
Why now I'm feeling her "goneness" more vividly -I don't get it - but it seems to be always, always, always on my mind that my baby died, my baby died, my little baby died...she was here, she had a heart-defect and then we didn't even get a chance to give her that kind of life...whatever that was going to be - she was born...and so many babies are born all the time- and I lost mine, I'm that one, the one who's baby died... and I'm just angry that I don't have my two little girls anymore - and I am frustrated by my own self, as I beat myself up by wondering "how would you have done two kids anyway - you are failing at one - she is totally wearing you thin and you are so frustrated with all the challenges inherent in raising a "strong-willed" little girl - what would it be like if you had two kids who wanted your attention every single second of the day?"
I'm in a crappy place right now where I can't breath and I can't decide where to begin on my "to do list" - I can't type fast enough to really think anything out here, so I need to stop wasting time here -
I'm just so tired of the energy it takes to be what the world needs... especially in a world with sweet new babies in the family and more on the way and a baby shower I'm planning for my sis-in-law - I'm happy to do it - don't get me wrong, but right now I'm totally, totally fine with just not knowing anyone or anything right now that is part of my daily life - and yet my daily life keeps hanging around - not letting me just be.
I'm tired of people and their opinions - the questions about me working (as in having a "job" that I get paid for) and all the implications implied (I got a birthday card from my Aunt and I am about to just not talk to anyone anymore - I'm tired of feeling like I have to defend my choices - NO - I stopped teaching part-time when Gwen was born and I'm standing by that. It DOES NOT mean I'm not "moving on" - it means I made a decision about teaching for A LOT of reasons and I'm happy, for now, with that decision FOR A LOT of reasons. I DO NOT find it easier to be a "stay-at-home" mom - and I don't think it would be "better" if I "went back" to my job -THERE IS NO "EASY" in this and guess what - I have "moved on" - you don't get a choice people...I'm not an idiot - I have a child to raise, I don't get any choices here - I've "moved on" and if I do anything at all with any time once I get some things squared away from my "former life" then I hope to do something useful for kids, sick kids or grieving kids - and I don't need a "job"
But I'm not the only one - daily life is hard in different ways for everyone. I need to just drop it and get on with it. I know better than to get caught up in just what is probably simply being really, really tired.... so let's just say that... I am really, really, really, tired and don't have the energy for anything anymore.... and Time is walking all over that.
I'm seriously "behind" in life. I have things I must do and things going on, simple things, normal life things...but stuff that is for me, even too much - it's traveling, returning, traveling again soon, family visiting here, empty garden beds that will fill with weeds again this year if I don't finally decide what to plant where...)
And for all this I just feel totally done. I am so beat-down exhausted and it is manifesting itself by me wanting to get away from EVERYONE. It's really not good. I have several phone calls and probably 10-20 e-mails that I really need to reply to...
And I'm only getting more buried because each day I get nothing done but normal life and yet keep going to bed WAY too late. .. really. bad. cycle, here.
So for now....I'm just going to come here to scream - I really did loose an entire year of my life and oddly only now I'm "feeling it" - now I MISS her in a more physical way, I'm horrifed at the never again-ness of M - and soon I have to face being at the family lake house where we had such a great time with W last year, despite it all... and I'll be with a family who I know, won't talk about these losses....which drives me crazy.
Why now I'm feeling her "goneness" more vividly -I don't get it - but it seems to be always, always, always on my mind that my baby died, my baby died, my little baby died...she was here, she had a heart-defect and then we didn't even get a chance to give her that kind of life...whatever that was going to be - she was born...and so many babies are born all the time- and I lost mine, I'm that one, the one who's baby died... and I'm just angry that I don't have my two little girls anymore - and I am frustrated by my own self, as I beat myself up by wondering "how would you have done two kids anyway - you are failing at one - she is totally wearing you thin and you are so frustrated with all the challenges inherent in raising a "strong-willed" little girl - what would it be like if you had two kids who wanted your attention every single second of the day?"
I'm in a crappy place right now where I can't breath and I can't decide where to begin on my "to do list" - I can't type fast enough to really think anything out here, so I need to stop wasting time here -
I'm just so tired of the energy it takes to be what the world needs... especially in a world with sweet new babies in the family and more on the way and a baby shower I'm planning for my sis-in-law - I'm happy to do it - don't get me wrong, but right now I'm totally, totally fine with just not knowing anyone or anything right now that is part of my daily life - and yet my daily life keeps hanging around - not letting me just be.
I'm tired of people and their opinions - the questions about me working (as in having a "job" that I get paid for) and all the implications implied (I got a birthday card from my Aunt and I am about to just not talk to anyone anymore - I'm tired of feeling like I have to defend my choices - NO - I stopped teaching part-time when Gwen was born and I'm standing by that. It DOES NOT mean I'm not "moving on" - it means I made a decision about teaching for A LOT of reasons and I'm happy, for now, with that decision FOR A LOT of reasons. I DO NOT find it easier to be a "stay-at-home" mom - and I don't think it would be "better" if I "went back" to my job -THERE IS NO "EASY" in this and guess what - I have "moved on" - you don't get a choice people...I'm not an idiot - I have a child to raise, I don't get any choices here - I've "moved on" and if I do anything at all with any time once I get some things squared away from my "former life" then I hope to do something useful for kids, sick kids or grieving kids - and I don't need a "job"
But I'm not the only one - daily life is hard in different ways for everyone. I need to just drop it and get on with it. I know better than to get caught up in just what is probably simply being really, really tired.... so let's just say that... I am really, really, really, tired and don't have the energy for anything anymore.... and Time is walking all over that.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
"Take me where angels are close at hand"
Beautiful Dawn
Listen here - it's a good song that I just heard on Pandora
"Take me to the breaking of a beautiful dawn
Take me to the place where we come from
Take me to the end so I can see the start
There's only one way to mend a broken heart
Take me to the place where I don't feel so small
Take me where I don't need to stand so tall
Take me to the edge so I can fall apart
There's only one way to mend a broken heart
Take me where love isn't up for sale
Take me where our hearts are not so frail
Take me where the fire still owns its spark
There's only one way to mend a broken heart
Teach me how to see when I close my eyes
Teach me to forgive and to apologize
Show me how to love in the darkest dark
There's only one way to mend a broken heart
Take me where the angels are close at hand
Take me where the ocean meets the sky and the land
Show me to the wisdom of the evening star
There's only one way to mend a broken heart
Take me to the place where I feel no shame
Take me where the courage doesn't need a name
Learning how to cry is the hardest part
There's only one way to mend a broken heart"
song by The Wailn' Jennys
Listen here - it's a good song that I just heard on Pandora
"Take me to the breaking of a beautiful dawn
Take me to the place where we come from
Take me to the end so I can see the start
There's only one way to mend a broken heart
Take me to the place where I don't feel so small
Take me where I don't need to stand so tall
Take me to the edge so I can fall apart
There's only one way to mend a broken heart
Take me where love isn't up for sale
Take me where our hearts are not so frail
Take me where the fire still owns its spark
There's only one way to mend a broken heart
Teach me how to see when I close my eyes
Teach me to forgive and to apologize
Show me how to love in the darkest dark
There's only one way to mend a broken heart
Take me where the angels are close at hand
Take me where the ocean meets the sky and the land
Show me to the wisdom of the evening star
There's only one way to mend a broken heart
Take me to the place where I feel no shame
Take me where the courage doesn't need a name
Learning how to cry is the hardest part
There's only one way to mend a broken heart"
song by The Wailn' Jennys
Two things I hate
1. Unsolicited parenting advice. Please, just stop telling me the wonderful things you do that "work." I know, I do it sometimes too -and it really is because I want to be helpful - but just not now, don't offer up your wonderful advice now, not this week, not just after I shared every so slightly that yea, anniversary weeks is hard (I did SO well, I just said I'm okay and made everyone feel good). So just stop with telling me about the thing you do with your 3 year old, I really don't want to hear it right now- I know you mean well, you are really being nice...I know.
2. I hate small talk with people who don't know what this is like - and what this is like. I say that twice, on purpose, one time for each loss that I have to watch happen again...and for the first time in a way, since this is the first time that I know it is going to happen....that is what 1 year anniversaries are like for me. I am learning, thankfully what to say so I don't feel like I gave too much of myself away, took too much of someones time, and allowed for judgment to form (oh God - if you judge my parenting - I KNOW you judge my grief - it is SO easy to do both from your position....you don't have my kid, you don't live in my brain and you don't know who I lost - so if I let you in on how I really feel, you'd judge me, I know).
---
And I'm okay and not okay. I "have my moments" let's just put it that way. Usually they happen when Lil is in preschool, like now, - because then I can let down my guard - and wow - is it scary to realize how much I hold in - there you go - that's me being "strong" - if you wanna label something as "strong" in this hell....is the energy it takes to play normal life, the energy it takes to hold in everything until you are in the right place and time... that takes so much energy (and it slowly kills you as it waits for your attention).
So with this anniversary in my midst and some other things I can't really say here - I'm not sane...but I think that is going to be my new normal, so I'm dealing.
What if this is as good as it gets? Sober up. Sober up.
2. I hate small talk with people who don't know what this is like - and what this is like. I say that twice, on purpose, one time for each loss that I have to watch happen again...and for the first time in a way, since this is the first time that I know it is going to happen....that is what 1 year anniversaries are like for me. I am learning, thankfully what to say so I don't feel like I gave too much of myself away, took too much of someones time, and allowed for judgment to form (oh God - if you judge my parenting - I KNOW you judge my grief - it is SO easy to do both from your position....you don't have my kid, you don't live in my brain and you don't know who I lost - so if I let you in on how I really feel, you'd judge me, I know).
---
And I'm okay and not okay. I "have my moments" let's just put it that way. Usually they happen when Lil is in preschool, like now, - because then I can let down my guard - and wow - is it scary to realize how much I hold in - there you go - that's me being "strong" - if you wanna label something as "strong" in this hell....is the energy it takes to play normal life, the energy it takes to hold in everything until you are in the right place and time... that takes so much energy (and it slowly kills you as it waits for your attention).
So with this anniversary in my midst and some other things I can't really say here - I'm not sane...but I think that is going to be my new normal, so I'm dealing.
What if this is as good as it gets? Sober up. Sober up.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Cheers!
“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” M. A. Radmacher
In this case, next Mothers Day. I'll "try again" then.
Thankfully, I celebrated with Lil yesterday - we had a nice, good day, the whole family. I only lost it once - and is was about a good thing - a friend messaged my husband to let us know, Gwen's plaque is there, by her tree at the arboretum. And I was so happy...and so sad.
Today. Let's call it failure all around.
But, for the most part, no one knows. Except my poor husband - and probably Lil. But she's also probably used to mama being a little crazy.
I remember her last year. I remember being a mother of two last mothers day.
This day, this year, as I know she only has five more days starting tomorrow and the fifth is not even a full day - and let's not mention M... who also, lived only five more days after this Sunday...
Friday is the day - even as the fourteenth is the date.... I know this Friday as my black Friday. I remember so well, that it was a Friday. And I know it was this Friday in May. Every cell in my body remembers - no matter how much Faith I have or Peace that passes all understanding flows - I'm human, that's all I ever seem to be - and believe me, I'm so completely, utterly human, I bore myself - and none of those enchanting words of inspiration and Faith can touch the memories that I can't repress if I wanted to -
I'm not well. I admit it - I am on Vodka and OJ - all day- I'm standing, heck, I'm typing, and well and fast... so I'm consider myself drinking wisely - but oh, I'm trying to modify my freaking outness - I'm trying to stay clam and it's the only way I know how. I'm trying to be strong. I'll do better tomorrow - I won't drink. It's not a holiday tomorrow- so I can't (see, I have standards?). And I have my dance class and God, a performance coming up (am I NUTS?). So, I gotta reign this all in - but today, I failed - and next mothers day - maybe then, I'll do better. But not this year.
Friday, May 6, 2011
What you look at dissiappears. I'm looking at the dark.
"Do you know that the heart has a dungeon?
Bring light! Bring light!" -Mary Oliver
I'm up and down at the same time. I don't know then, where I am. It's an odd place. I don't feel like I'm here, that's all I know. So I'm trying to connect back into the world and get out of my head a little.
But I loved this entry from a book I've not picked up in so long (reading is what "helps" me the most in grief but I don't get time to sit and read)- but this little book sustains me in this, I pick it up when I can, so if nothing else I get at least few moments of something to reflect on and "help" me cope with my unraveling mind.) I read this yesterday this quote, in a book about grief and the authors' reflection on it;
"O, that this too too solid flesh would melt
Thaw and resolve itself into a dew!
Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd
His canon 'gainst self-slaughter! O God! God!
How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable,
Seem to me all the uses of this world!
Fie on't! ah fie! 'tis an unweeded garden,
That grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature
Possess it merely. That it should come to this! "
The autorhor who chose this quote then reflected:
"This is a state of depression with which we all are probably familiar. We would like to be removed from all awareness. We may think about suicide"
My husband and I aren't "at risk" - we have Lil. But I do understand that feeling of really, why are we all killing ourselves day in and day out, a collective "we" because most people, to me now, seem ridiculous... and why do we have children anyway - they are going to suffer in ways we can't imagine and all of them may die before we do... "is this a curse or a blessing that we give" - is it the most selfish act, to have a child?
Yes, my husband and I sometimes are at that brink and I live so differently now, not bad, but as one who really knows - we are just a breath away from all this... and all this is awful sometimes - so we really gotta try to squeeze any good we can find out - use it all up 'till we may appear insane - I know what "live life to the fullest" means -I understand that sentiment like few can, which so often urged in "inspirational" mantras. I know what Lil deserves and what a blessings family is, what good times are and every hour we have together, their value... and yet sometimes because I know how it is NOT a "Just World", because I know we are only Hoping on the Great Beyond, and because I know we (human kind) tend toward drama, toward judgment of our circumstances or others, because I know this place is rotten on so many levels, it is a fallen world regardless of your religion, sometimes, it does feel like we are all fooling ourselves to bother with it all...
But I also know that 2 months or 100 years is a blip and since I have Lil and can't/don't want to leave, I gotta, truly gotta, make the best of "even this" - this garden of weeds my own little life has become. They are so deeply rooted that some of them will always grow back - but I'll keep weeding - I'll keep trying to get back to a place where I can live and breath again...were they aren't choking out the sun, real though that they are... they are not metaphors but what grows in such grief.
But, W, poor sweet W, my brother-in-law - it became a real option to him in one of these moments where you are so far down, that you believe it, that everything "told" to you there, in the empty firmament of your own mind, by your own mind, warped beyond it's ability to bring light - you believe it without being able to step back from it for a moment and realize it is a state you cannot trust - that will not offer anything but blackness, therefore as real and honest as it feels and seems, it is a place to exists in but not act upon - to move through and not trust, to hear but not take to heart all that it is showing your soul...because if you let your soul "believe it" then your soul will want "out" your soul, it will believe that it is the most humane thing to do for you and the only real Hope. You can step off a steep cliff and be free.
And your soul may be right, that I can't say for sure - but when it is all you can see, then you are not working on full information, you are not allowing your soul to consider any light... you are really not being fair to your own soul, in a sense. But, darkness can be so convincing... darkness can make you see just about anything it wants and can trick your eyes and mind in a flash - light can never lie.
The darkness doesn't respond -it isn't about "darkness winning over light" even - it your humanness "filling in" the empty places that is the darkness, the places devoid of all Hope -humaness itself dark, it is hopless - and you end up having a conversation that begins and ends all inside your own head - when you are in those fully dark, but very real, moments. The antidote is connection to the world, to those you love here, to God if you can muster up belief - anything outside your own head. There is no light there and your soul doesn't know it's all you talking, your soul believes what feed it in the dark - so you can destroy your soul by your circular conversations in the dark places full of emptiness.
One of my favorite quotes has always been "When the world seems cold to you, kindle fires to warm it." We must expect for it to get dark and cold in life - even in the best of times, I'm talking about normal life - outside of the hell of Grief.
If we truly understand our humanity (I think Care of the Soul is about this, that book, if you've heard of it) then we know it is our responsibility to know that when it is cold - we must try to get warmth outside of ourselves, we must kindle whatever fires we can - we must care for ourselves and usually that will involve getting out of our own head, or at the very, very least, noting it, the cold, the dark - but not trusting it too much - it is just, exactly like the little kid in the room at night who swears what they see is a monster, the devil himself, standing right there in their own little bedroom they thought was safe just hours earlier when the sun shone in.
Our heads, our minds, are exactly that, a little kids bedroom - and if the light won't switch on, then we gotta wait for the sun, moon, star - whatever tiny bit of light can show us that it's just our clothes strewn over the chair that we didn't put away like we should have, it is only the most normal and mundane part of life - it is only life and love - that in the dark can nearly destroy you.
Anyway....
The author continued:When this mood decends like a dark cloud, it is helful to remember that we have felt like this before, that otehrs have felt like this before - and that mood will pass.
We can help move it away - thouhght it may be hard to muster energy for that - by doing something physically demanding, like going for a strenuous walk, or for a sweim. Or by tending some plansts. Or talking with a friend. Or cooking. Anything to get us into a different frame of mind.
One friend suggested that at such times it was helpful to her to repat the phrase, "The worst is over" It might be worth a try."
I tend towards the cynical - because after three such losses - I don't know that "the worst" is over - I know there can be more than one "worse" in ones life - I fear what's ahead with all my heart and soul - but I think I do live better because of that -it is not a paralyzing fear - not at all - it is a respectful fear - if that makes sense. I acknowledge that Power of God or Forces FAR beyond my control - I hope for Love and benevolence to win out somewhere along the line - but I understand that as a need to try to bring sense to this - so I live every day with the thought "what if this is as good as it gets?" -and really, it's not a depressing thought - it's a call to get out of Time and expectation - all the good and the bad - and be here.
---
And, just to "translate" even as I don't think Shakespeare needs it - I kinda thought this was fun anyway and I'm all about clarity - so as to not have anything "muddled" up by Shakespeare skillful art of words;
"Ah, I wish my dirty flesh could melt away into a vapor, or that God had not made a law against suicide. Oh God, God! How tired, stale, and pointless life is to me. Damn it! It’s like a garden that no one’s taking care of, and that’s growing wild. Only nasty weeds grow in it now. I can’t believe it’s come to this. " (and to give credit to where it is due - here is the source; http://nfs.sparknotes.com/hamlet/page_26.html)
Bring light! Bring light!" -Mary Oliver
I'm up and down at the same time. I don't know then, where I am. It's an odd place. I don't feel like I'm here, that's all I know. So I'm trying to connect back into the world and get out of my head a little.
But I loved this entry from a book I've not picked up in so long (reading is what "helps" me the most in grief but I don't get time to sit and read)- but this little book sustains me in this, I pick it up when I can, so if nothing else I get at least few moments of something to reflect on and "help" me cope with my unraveling mind.) I read this yesterday this quote, in a book about grief and the authors' reflection on it;
"O, that this too too solid flesh would melt
Thaw and resolve itself into a dew!
Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd
His canon 'gainst self-slaughter! O God! God!
How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable,
Seem to me all the uses of this world!
Fie on't! ah fie! 'tis an unweeded garden,
That grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature
Possess it merely. That it should come to this! "
The autorhor who chose this quote then reflected:
"This is a state of depression with which we all are probably familiar. We would like to be removed from all awareness. We may think about suicide"
My husband and I aren't "at risk" - we have Lil. But I do understand that feeling of really, why are we all killing ourselves day in and day out, a collective "we" because most people, to me now, seem ridiculous... and why do we have children anyway - they are going to suffer in ways we can't imagine and all of them may die before we do... "is this a curse or a blessing that we give" - is it the most selfish act, to have a child?
Yes, my husband and I sometimes are at that brink and I live so differently now, not bad, but as one who really knows - we are just a breath away from all this... and all this is awful sometimes - so we really gotta try to squeeze any good we can find out - use it all up 'till we may appear insane - I know what "live life to the fullest" means -I understand that sentiment like few can, which so often urged in "inspirational" mantras. I know what Lil deserves and what a blessings family is, what good times are and every hour we have together, their value... and yet sometimes because I know how it is NOT a "Just World", because I know we are only Hoping on the Great Beyond, and because I know we (human kind) tend toward drama, toward judgment of our circumstances or others, because I know this place is rotten on so many levels, it is a fallen world regardless of your religion, sometimes, it does feel like we are all fooling ourselves to bother with it all...
But I also know that 2 months or 100 years is a blip and since I have Lil and can't/don't want to leave, I gotta, truly gotta, make the best of "even this" - this garden of weeds my own little life has become. They are so deeply rooted that some of them will always grow back - but I'll keep weeding - I'll keep trying to get back to a place where I can live and breath again...were they aren't choking out the sun, real though that they are... they are not metaphors but what grows in such grief.
But, W, poor sweet W, my brother-in-law - it became a real option to him in one of these moments where you are so far down, that you believe it, that everything "told" to you there, in the empty firmament of your own mind, by your own mind, warped beyond it's ability to bring light - you believe it without being able to step back from it for a moment and realize it is a state you cannot trust - that will not offer anything but blackness, therefore as real and honest as it feels and seems, it is a place to exists in but not act upon - to move through and not trust, to hear but not take to heart all that it is showing your soul...because if you let your soul "believe it" then your soul will want "out" your soul, it will believe that it is the most humane thing to do for you and the only real Hope. You can step off a steep cliff and be free.
And your soul may be right, that I can't say for sure - but when it is all you can see, then you are not working on full information, you are not allowing your soul to consider any light... you are really not being fair to your own soul, in a sense. But, darkness can be so convincing... darkness can make you see just about anything it wants and can trick your eyes and mind in a flash - light can never lie.
The darkness doesn't respond -it isn't about "darkness winning over light" even - it your humanness "filling in" the empty places that is the darkness, the places devoid of all Hope -humaness itself dark, it is hopless - and you end up having a conversation that begins and ends all inside your own head - when you are in those fully dark, but very real, moments. The antidote is connection to the world, to those you love here, to God if you can muster up belief - anything outside your own head. There is no light there and your soul doesn't know it's all you talking, your soul believes what feed it in the dark - so you can destroy your soul by your circular conversations in the dark places full of emptiness.
One of my favorite quotes has always been "When the world seems cold to you, kindle fires to warm it." We must expect for it to get dark and cold in life - even in the best of times, I'm talking about normal life - outside of the hell of Grief.
If we truly understand our humanity (I think Care of the Soul is about this, that book, if you've heard of it) then we know it is our responsibility to know that when it is cold - we must try to get warmth outside of ourselves, we must kindle whatever fires we can - we must care for ourselves and usually that will involve getting out of our own head, or at the very, very least, noting it, the cold, the dark - but not trusting it too much - it is just, exactly like the little kid in the room at night who swears what they see is a monster, the devil himself, standing right there in their own little bedroom they thought was safe just hours earlier when the sun shone in.
Our heads, our minds, are exactly that, a little kids bedroom - and if the light won't switch on, then we gotta wait for the sun, moon, star - whatever tiny bit of light can show us that it's just our clothes strewn over the chair that we didn't put away like we should have, it is only the most normal and mundane part of life - it is only life and love - that in the dark can nearly destroy you.
Anyway....
The author continued:When this mood decends like a dark cloud, it is helful to remember that we have felt like this before, that otehrs have felt like this before - and that mood will pass.
We can help move it away - thouhght it may be hard to muster energy for that - by doing something physically demanding, like going for a strenuous walk, or for a sweim. Or by tending some plansts. Or talking with a friend. Or cooking. Anything to get us into a different frame of mind.
One friend suggested that at such times it was helpful to her to repat the phrase, "The worst is over" It might be worth a try."
I tend towards the cynical - because after three such losses - I don't know that "the worst" is over - I know there can be more than one "worse" in ones life - I fear what's ahead with all my heart and soul - but I think I do live better because of that -it is not a paralyzing fear - not at all - it is a respectful fear - if that makes sense. I acknowledge that Power of God or Forces FAR beyond my control - I hope for Love and benevolence to win out somewhere along the line - but I understand that as a need to try to bring sense to this - so I live every day with the thought "what if this is as good as it gets?" -and really, it's not a depressing thought - it's a call to get out of Time and expectation - all the good and the bad - and be here.
---
And, just to "translate" even as I don't think Shakespeare needs it - I kinda thought this was fun anyway and I'm all about clarity - so as to not have anything "muddled" up by Shakespeare skillful art of words;
"Ah, I wish my dirty flesh could melt away into a vapor, or that God had not made a law against suicide. Oh God, God! How tired, stale, and pointless life is to me. Damn it! It’s like a garden that no one’s taking care of, and that’s growing wild. Only nasty weeds grow in it now. I can’t believe it’s come to this. " (and to give credit to where it is due - here is the source; http://nfs.sparknotes.com/hamlet/page_26.html)
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
"In the Know."
We both remember last year as a moment ago. I was surprised (but I shouldn't have been) when my husband shared with me how the weather reminds him... because that is where I am too. I vividly recall the springtime baby - the springtime loss. And now I know that her days were numbered, now I know what is going to happen - I know of a double loss on the 14th.
I see all the ways we were just living life, adjusting to coming down off all the drama around her birth and surgery and recovery. We were starting to get into normal but it wasn't the one we wanted of course, as we didn't know when she'd need her next surgery and I hated that she faced that all her life -but all indications were good, for now - I still just wanted her to get to six months old, in my head, for some reason, that was going to be a place where I felt more "okay" about her situation... A six month old you know them by then and I didn't know her yet - I was concerned I'd miss signs of heart failure (why was I not thinking about viruses?).
I still was working out the black hole between hospitals. I should have called my nurse coordinator but I thought it was like CHOP and she only worked with you before your baby was born - so I didn't' want to bug her (it's my child, WHY was I concerned about bugging anyone). It took so many phone calls to finally get UVA to understand the records regarding her blood were inbedded in her cardio records - that is how CHOP did it. UVA Cardiologists had all the records and Hematology needed to simply ask them for it... She should have had her blood check-up scheduled much sooner. She didn't live for the UVA follow up. The appointments were written on the calender, just sitting there with nothing to do, after she died. Would we have found something if she had seen the hematologist sooner?
Considering they can't really determine for sure, why she died - I can't help but wonder. And wish, wish, wish I could get it right - and get her there, to UVA blood docs. in April when she should have gone.
And I should have gone in Thursday night when we saw her turn gray after spitting up. It was friend of my husbands, who we called - who is a emergency room pediatrician, who now I know, apparently doesn't get "heart babies." WHY in God's NAME did I listen to him? Why didn't I tune in that I'm a mother and we have gut feelings and they are not crazy... I can't say I had a gut feeling but I know everyone "talked me down" saying I was just being a worried mother... he and my husband believed that with no other symptoms they'd just send us back home since her color seemed return. But really, a heart baby? Would they have? Would they have noticed her breathing fast, which we didn't notice was fast - I could NEVER tell about her breathing - I know the docs said it wouldn't be normal and Lord knows a newborn's breathing is not normal anyway - so I couldn't tell she was breathing fast. Would the docs have on Thursday night - and then with that other symptom have been on top of the situation?
What happend to M that day? My sis-in-law. I have tiny bits of information. She got in late to work - had a little talking to by her boss who she was really close with, almost father/daughterish. It upset her. Then after the news of Gwen she was going to help her mom and stay with her brothers - but she didn't need to go there till later. But she left work early anyway - picked up a friend and apparently wasn't able to speak through her sorrow. The story will never settle - her friend said she dropped her glasses and leaned to pick them up, lost her balance, tried to grab a sapling, it didn't hold and she was gone. But no glasses ever turned up and the prescriptions she wore all the time, were at her house.
There's more, I could go on, but it's not my place even as it matters so much to me, I'm not "family" in the sense that I can bring up my concerns. Her toxicology report was totally clean... did my sis-in-law really just die while grieving her niece as one horrible headline in the newspaper stated? I want to talk to her so bad, I want to have her back so badly... I want to be there in that moment and not let her fall... we need her. We lost too much already. But instead, we lost her brother in Oct...and that was no accident on his part, but so devastating in it's own details.
And now, now I can only pretend to exist for everyone but Lil (she deserves more than pretend) while I watch for the first time, in a way, the last days of both of their lives.... having to feign normal because only my husband and I are in this, we are the only ones just waking up to it on some level - and no one wants to hear how not strong we are.
I heard this song posted below today and it fits these days well, of watching two people I love, die. Since this time around, I'm in the know. I know in the next few days, "the cold will get colder" and then the day will pass, we'll mark it the way we hope to, or not, and Time will keep going on...totally neutral to it all. But each day now, I know is one of her last days. And her last days.
And, as I don't really recall much from after May last year, I guess I'll just begin to figure out, this time around, how to cope with the real "goneness" of both ('till Oct. comes around and a new anniversary of death greets us). Maybe it will be refreshing not to have anything to remember after May 14th, for the summer.
It's almost over now. My time with Gwen. Again. But, unlike the lyrics here - my love won't die. But one loved one will, around 3:30 and another again around 4:30 or 5:30 (I still don't know the exact times, I never could get it in my head....the blur started when the phone call came, the first one...when they told me her heart stopped, my baby.)
-----
"I've put it all behind me
Nothing left to do or doubt
Some may say
But every silver lining always seems to have a cloud
That comes my way
Anticipated pleasure or unexpected pain
No choice I fear
And love is hard to measure hidden in the rain
That's why you'll find me here all alone and still wondering why
Waiting inside for the cold to get colder
And here where it's clear that I've wasted my time
Hoping to fly 'cause it's almost over now
People come together, people go their own way
Love conquers few
And I'll do whatever, I'll say what I need to say
Just not for you
How many days should I smile with a frown?
'Cause you're not around with the sun on your shoulders
And how many nights must I wake up alone?
And know in my soul that it's almost over now
Our love is like a paper airplane flying in the folded wind
Riding high, dipping low
And innocence is fair game, I'm hoping I can hold it in
Our love will die, I know"
Nothing left to do or doubt
Some may say
But every silver lining always seems to have a cloud
That comes my way
Anticipated pleasure or unexpected pain
No choice I fear
And love is hard to measure hidden in the rain
That's why you'll find me here all alone and still wondering why
Waiting inside for the cold to get colder
And here where it's clear that I've wasted my time
Hoping to fly 'cause it's almost over now
People come together, people go their own way
Love conquers few
And I'll do whatever, I'll say what I need to say
Just not for you
How many days should I smile with a frown?
'Cause you're not around with the sun on your shoulders
And how many nights must I wake up alone?
And know in my soul that it's almost over now
Our love is like a paper airplane flying in the folded wind
Riding high, dipping low
And innocence is fair game, I'm hoping I can hold it in
Our love will die, I know"
Sunday, April 24, 2011
All the old mixed with the new.
The more things change the more they remain the same.
And it is those closest to you that get to you the most. And that was true before now. And now. Now.
Now, normal life is in full swing. Nothing "bad" is gong on. It's just normal life and I am all shot nerves and annoyed. Family gatherings, husbands and their, shall we say, quirks... I'm putting it uber, uber really, super-lightly there...
No peace anywhere. Just relationships full of complications. I am so done with it. I want out. But you don't get to choose your family and marriage, well, we have kids - so stay we must.
Lovely.
Poor Lil. That's all I can say. Poor sweet thing - between genetics and "environment" and Life. Poor thing. "Is this a curse or a blessing that we give?" I'm not sure.
All of the normal, "small" challenges in life and love are still here -they don't curl tail and run away just because life hands you bigger problems. Instead, it all gets mixed into the whole mess. Oh, it's lovely.
Yep. The more things change. I recall all this - everything that is in my head now, before....
Family. I'm not so sure anymore. At this point, I can't honestly say I recommenced it. I really can't.
Sorry. I'm super cynical right now - it's reached new heights (I mean you can only take so much) and I think I'm going to have to just stay in my head for a while... be gone from even here. If I can just get through each day with some grace and dignity. And so far, that only happens when I stay away from the computer and all my thoughts and everything... and just try to keep up with normal life, like it, hate it, or just be neutralized to it all for the sake of sanity...
I guess cynical isn't neutral exactly. But for Lil's sake I'll keep forcing the dial in that direction. Because neutral would be me at my best right now.
And it is those closest to you that get to you the most. And that was true before now. And now. Now.
Now, normal life is in full swing. Nothing "bad" is gong on. It's just normal life and I am all shot nerves and annoyed. Family gatherings, husbands and their, shall we say, quirks... I'm putting it uber, uber really, super-lightly there...
No peace anywhere. Just relationships full of complications. I am so done with it. I want out. But you don't get to choose your family and marriage, well, we have kids - so stay we must.
Lovely.
Poor Lil. That's all I can say. Poor sweet thing - between genetics and "environment" and Life. Poor thing. "Is this a curse or a blessing that we give?" I'm not sure.
All of the normal, "small" challenges in life and love are still here -they don't curl tail and run away just because life hands you bigger problems. Instead, it all gets mixed into the whole mess. Oh, it's lovely.
Yep. The more things change. I recall all this - everything that is in my head now, before....
Family. I'm not so sure anymore. At this point, I can't honestly say I recommenced it. I really can't.
Sorry. I'm super cynical right now - it's reached new heights (I mean you can only take so much) and I think I'm going to have to just stay in my head for a while... be gone from even here. If I can just get through each day with some grace and dignity. And so far, that only happens when I stay away from the computer and all my thoughts and everything... and just try to keep up with normal life, like it, hate it, or just be neutralized to it all for the sake of sanity...
I guess cynical isn't neutral exactly. But for Lil's sake I'll keep forcing the dial in that direction. Because neutral would be me at my best right now.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Videos are working on Gwen's blog
In the blog posts here: Gwen's Birthday post and here: My post leading up to her birthday the videos are at last, up and running for good. (long day, man, this stuff takes a LOT of time to do. But worth it. I wanted to share the little bits we have - I needed to. It's good. But oh yea, it's also so hard).
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Hello; Happy, Elated/Sad, isolated feelings soaking in my soul
Oh the confusion.
I am so happy today.
A cousin was born today. She is so beautiful. Really - one of those babies that has such perfect features, even just after birth.
I'm not that "close" with her mama. We are second or third cousins. And we didn't grow up seeing each other all that much (which is too bad, we only lived an hour away). But I have no first cousins - so I appreciate this one of the handful I do have...and she even lives not to far away now, in our "grown-up" lives...we saw her this weekend even, when in D.C. - So even as we don't really talk much or hang out much - her baby is so exciting to me, I'm really so happy to see her little face as she is announced on facebook and can't wait to see more photos and follow her as she grows up.
And I want to tell her mama also - that she had the same due date as Gwen and now, the "due date" it's her birthday (more or less, April 8th was the due dates). This could have been Gwen's birthday a year ago (let's be honest here, since I can here in this little place (hopefully hidden place, from anyone who knows me in real life) of mine, it should have been, and she should have been just as healthy).
However, for this new baby cousin to be born today, is a good thing - is a sign of a blessing in my eyes! But, in the "real" world, it just - well, no one wants to hear about your dead baby, the one with the heart defect - so I'll keep it all to myself - how Gwen's connection to today blesses it. And is sad too. Things like this are the reason the term bitter-sweet was invented.
I hope, also (and don't like that I feel this way) but now that my cousin holds her - that she maybe knows what we lost, finally - and I'm not looking at all for sympathy - but it would be nice to be seen, if that makes sense, and for Gwen's loss to be a little more real for people other than us, (and of course I know it's real to a few close family and dear friends, - one friend who even put her picture on her fridge...it brought tears to my eyes - that's a real friend!).
We are supposed to carry each other and I know I am being carried - I know it to shame honestly, and to complete humbleness ... but, let me just say... even so... it's sad when some (and I'm not even speaking so much of this cousin who just had a baby) but how some people in your own family are not the ones who are there for you. I don't understand it. I'm sure I never will.
So I'll quietly have extra sadness for Gwen today - even as I also LOVE that her cousin's birthday is today. It is wonderful, but only to me, and as I said, also well, I lament that my baby girl didn't get to be an April baby last year. And here, with people I hope won't judge me, I'll say it - the bitter-sweetness that I wish I could speak openly about... and then try to lay it down here and move on.
I am so happy today.
A cousin was born today. She is so beautiful. Really - one of those babies that has such perfect features, even just after birth.
I'm not that "close" with her mama. We are second or third cousins. And we didn't grow up seeing each other all that much (which is too bad, we only lived an hour away). But I have no first cousins - so I appreciate this one of the handful I do have...and she even lives not to far away now, in our "grown-up" lives...we saw her this weekend even, when in D.C. - So even as we don't really talk much or hang out much - her baby is so exciting to me, I'm really so happy to see her little face as she is announced on facebook and can't wait to see more photos and follow her as she grows up.
And I want to tell her mama also - that she had the same due date as Gwen and now, the "due date" it's her birthday (more or less, April 8th was the due dates). This could have been Gwen's birthday a year ago (let's be honest here, since I can here in this little place (hopefully hidden place, from anyone who knows me in real life) of mine, it should have been, and she should have been just as healthy).
However, for this new baby cousin to be born today, is a good thing - is a sign of a blessing in my eyes! But, in the "real" world, it just - well, no one wants to hear about your dead baby, the one with the heart defect - so I'll keep it all to myself - how Gwen's connection to today blesses it. And is sad too. Things like this are the reason the term bitter-sweet was invented.
I hope, also (and don't like that I feel this way) but now that my cousin holds her - that she maybe knows what we lost, finally - and I'm not looking at all for sympathy - but it would be nice to be seen, if that makes sense, and for Gwen's loss to be a little more real for people other than us, (and of course I know it's real to a few close family and dear friends, - one friend who even put her picture on her fridge...it brought tears to my eyes - that's a real friend!).
We are supposed to carry each other and I know I am being carried - I know it to shame honestly, and to complete humbleness ... but, let me just say... even so... it's sad when some (and I'm not even speaking so much of this cousin who just had a baby) but how some people in your own family are not the ones who are there for you. I don't understand it. I'm sure I never will.
So I'll quietly have extra sadness for Gwen today - even as I also LOVE that her cousin's birthday is today. It is wonderful, but only to me, and as I said, also well, I lament that my baby girl didn't get to be an April baby last year. And here, with people I hope won't judge me, I'll say it - the bitter-sweetness that I wish I could speak openly about... and then try to lay it down here and move on.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Waiting. It's a good thing, child-bearing women.
What I almost wrote to a cousin on facebook. What I want to write to SO many people...
"I know...the last little stretch is oddly the longest. But, know, she will be here when she is ready and that's a really good thing... you want her to be the best she can be - even if it may be asking a LOT from you. Healthy babies are worth every second of wait. And this long waiting time will fall away into oblivion once she is in your arms. <3 "
But I know. They don't want to hear it. No one wants to be preached to and I know - the "just world theory" is everyone's best friend (even if they aren't aware). It's pervasive and a way of surviving because no one wants to know what I know... and will never "un-know" (and sometimes still doubt as I fall victim to "just world" theory myself).
WHY can't people be excited that their baby is staying where they need to be as long as they need - the assumption being, they aren't READY yet to be born, if you aren't in labor yet.
I didn't get to let Gwen wait - and all I wanted, desperately was to let her come when she was ready and not have to induce her out at 37 weeks. But her life was on the line, so there wasn't a question that I wouldn't do it, of course.
And YES. I couldn't imagine how I did it before, with Lil, and how I would have handled more than 37 weeks - I was uncomfortable like everyone else - but honestly that, comparatively, with a healthy child no-less- that is the easiest parenting "issue" I've ever faced. Hand's down.
Come one people. Imagine for a moment you had no choice and couldn't carry your baby as long as the baby decided he/she needed. Be HAPPY for every day of your healthy, normal, pregnancy which yes, includes lots of WAIT.
Waiting is a LUXURY of a woman carrying a healthy baby.
And I won't even go into what it's like for the "Baby-loss" mom's I know who had to wait for an unhealthy baby (not all at "at risk" babies are induced. So if you are waiting and find your self frustrated, imagine waiting of your baby knowing they may not make it once they are born...).
So, really. Stop. Stop and love your big belly and know - it is the most simple parenting will ever get.
"I know...the last little stretch is oddly the longest. But, know, she will be here when she is ready and that's a really good thing... you want her to be the best she can be - even if it may be asking a LOT from you. Healthy babies are worth every second of wait. And this long waiting time will fall away into oblivion once she is in your arms. <3 "
But I know. They don't want to hear it. No one wants to be preached to and I know - the "just world theory" is everyone's best friend (even if they aren't aware). It's pervasive and a way of surviving because no one wants to know what I know... and will never "un-know" (and sometimes still doubt as I fall victim to "just world" theory myself).
WHY can't people be excited that their baby is staying where they need to be as long as they need - the assumption being, they aren't READY yet to be born, if you aren't in labor yet.
I didn't get to let Gwen wait - and all I wanted, desperately was to let her come when she was ready and not have to induce her out at 37 weeks. But her life was on the line, so there wasn't a question that I wouldn't do it, of course.
And YES. I couldn't imagine how I did it before, with Lil, and how I would have handled more than 37 weeks - I was uncomfortable like everyone else - but honestly that, comparatively, with a healthy child no-less- that is the easiest parenting "issue" I've ever faced. Hand's down.
Come one people. Imagine for a moment you had no choice and couldn't carry your baby as long as the baby decided he/she needed. Be HAPPY for every day of your healthy, normal, pregnancy which yes, includes lots of WAIT.
Waiting is a LUXURY of a woman carrying a healthy baby.
And I won't even go into what it's like for the "Baby-loss" mom's I know who had to wait for an unhealthy baby (not all at "at risk" babies are induced. So if you are waiting and find your self frustrated, imagine waiting of your baby knowing they may not make it once they are born...).
So, really. Stop. Stop and love your big belly and know - it is the most simple parenting will ever get.
Friday, April 1, 2011
No middle ground (but I'm trying to stand there)
I'm swallowed up in sadness....I am trying. I'm trying so hard. This is me trying. And I fail. I don't know if I'm dealing with hormones or some subconscious thing I don't know about... but I seem to have floods welled up inside - when I finally can't hold it in - they pour - there is no distinction between one tear and the next - it's a steady flow.
But I'm trying to do things. I have dinner to cook now (and have to run out, of course, to the grocery store). Tomorrow we are going to museums in D.C. - we will have SO MUCH FUN. I will leave this alllll behind for a day...
But the moments - when I do stop - and am free of child-care - just seep sadness...
I know I'm not supposed to judge myself...but I do. I should be stronger than this. I'm choosing to wallow. But I miss them. I want them back. I don't like any of this. I want my baby back in my arms - instead all I have is a salt water face. I want them all back in our lives....
Time is going to fast - I need a moment. Just a moment. But I know, that's a lie. Nothing will ever give cause for this to settle fully... and in time I'm promised I'll become accustom, I'll equalize and reach "equilibrium" with this because that is the human condition - to adapt, in part and in whole - every little bit, will be "normal" -heck, I'll even douse "meaning" into it all (human condition, again).
I am a full human now... I live in full reality - of death. Of complete end. I want the other life back, where I "knew it" on a totally different level - one I can't recall or verbalize anymore. I sure didn't think I or my children were invincible, epically my second child with a literal broken-heart - but somehow - unless you tread here, you have some special buffer. Bliss. Ignorance truly is. But, I wouldn't have wanted them not in my life - but I don't want them gone now either. And I don't get a middle ground to stand on - there is no middle ground between life and death (maybe Faith is...and yea, sure, serve me up one of those cause the alternative is more horrible...).
Well. All I can say is at least the sun is coming out as I rant here. I had a little bit of wine to try to beat down some of the panic and tension that seemed to be building up in me by the end of today... and thank God for wine - it seems to help release some "stuff" - it's good. I almost can sleep now....if I had time, I could just finally let go and fall asleep in an instant. And so at the same time the sun seems to finally be deciding to pour out from behind the clouds - just before it sets. I like an evening like this... even if today failed. I can even laugh at myself. Oh mess. What a mess I am. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow. I'll try again tomorrow. For now, let's just torch today and be done with it.
But I'm trying to do things. I have dinner to cook now (and have to run out, of course, to the grocery store). Tomorrow we are going to museums in D.C. - we will have SO MUCH FUN. I will leave this alllll behind for a day...
But the moments - when I do stop - and am free of child-care - just seep sadness...
I know I'm not supposed to judge myself...but I do. I should be stronger than this. I'm choosing to wallow. But I miss them. I want them back. I don't like any of this. I want my baby back in my arms - instead all I have is a salt water face. I want them all back in our lives....
Time is going to fast - I need a moment. Just a moment. But I know, that's a lie. Nothing will ever give cause for this to settle fully... and in time I'm promised I'll become accustom, I'll equalize and reach "equilibrium" with this because that is the human condition - to adapt, in part and in whole - every little bit, will be "normal" -heck, I'll even douse "meaning" into it all (human condition, again).
I am a full human now... I live in full reality - of death. Of complete end. I want the other life back, where I "knew it" on a totally different level - one I can't recall or verbalize anymore. I sure didn't think I or my children were invincible, epically my second child with a literal broken-heart - but somehow - unless you tread here, you have some special buffer. Bliss. Ignorance truly is. But, I wouldn't have wanted them not in my life - but I don't want them gone now either. And I don't get a middle ground to stand on - there is no middle ground between life and death (maybe Faith is...and yea, sure, serve me up one of those cause the alternative is more horrible...).
Well. All I can say is at least the sun is coming out as I rant here. I had a little bit of wine to try to beat down some of the panic and tension that seemed to be building up in me by the end of today... and thank God for wine - it seems to help release some "stuff" - it's good. I almost can sleep now....if I had time, I could just finally let go and fall asleep in an instant. And so at the same time the sun seems to finally be deciding to pour out from behind the clouds - just before it sets. I like an evening like this... even if today failed. I can even laugh at myself. Oh mess. What a mess I am. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow. I'll try again tomorrow. For now, let's just torch today and be done with it.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
The box is getting smaller, I gotta get out
So I finally had a moment to look up some lyrics I heard while in the car the other evening. I left the house really needing to get out. I needed sometime to myself. I had errands to run but that's a mom's escape. So, it was good enough.
I drove by the old hospital (a new one opened this summer). The place where she died. I drive by all the time... and swallow it. Every time. You can't not think about it somewhere in your head, the place you went with Hope and left - left an entire life behind and began a new one.
As I crested this hill that day, just after passing that awful place - it was M and all my love for her that flooded my aching soul. I do a lot of crying in the car when I'm alone. That moment it was for M. My sis-in-law.... it was one of the first moments it sank into reality - the reality of her goneness. And my so NOT okayness about it.
I never did this before - but I talked to Marie and asked her to give me something - I was so afraid to "test" this. She has come through before - many times without me asking. But those are me giving meaning to things - all be it honest-to-God coincidences that just are hard not to explain otherwise, than somehow, M giving a "wink."
Well -M used to post a lot of lyrics on facebook, lines from various songs that gave words to well, usually the sad and melancholy moments - she did have many in the last several years of her life. So, would't you know - a song came on I'd never heard before... and it's one that speaks exactly to where I am, not just a few lines here and there, but the whole song. For me, it just, I am going to say maybe M wanted to say, she knows....as God knows, my sadness and the depths that go into wordless aches - that my feelings of disconnection to the world here, are met by connectedness "over there" (if there is this "over there" -my need for it is always my doubt - two thoughts existing in the same place in my head at the same time).
This morning I fought back the tears as I thought about her brother's story, how he and his family were driving up here - and they got the news about M. He had pulled over on the side of the road. He got out of the car and walked in the grass and cried. His three-year old asked her mommy why daddy was crying.
Soon, in two months we'll go to the family house again, that my husband and his family grew up with - that is also a part of my life now - it is the first place I met all of his family -back in the summer 1998.
Last year they didn't speak of her much - we didn't really talk about her. But this year, we will go to the same house and I guess, I don't know, not speak of W? But it will be so loudly real. I love this place and now, I hate this same place too. I'll keep it wonderful for Lil, but now, I just ache ahead-of-time to be in that house with thoughts of all the years before, and W last year, there with his girlfriend who I couldn't wait to call "sis-in-law"... where despite the pain, it seemed like we were going to make it, somehow... We had good times last year. He left early Saturday without saying goodbye. But that was kinda his way. He and his girlfriend were going on a trip out West. We thought we were all okay enough...
All the empty places there are where memories will tear at my heart, where I can look and only ever look back if I want to see them again, there. A place where yet, we never got to bring Gwen...even when I was pregnant with her. Memories or lack there of, both have turned a place I loved into a mental battle - to a place I wish I could just leave in the past so I don't have to "be strong" and face the new sadness there.
Anyway, here's the lyrics to the song that M played for me.
I have no space, no room to move around
And this box is getting smaller
I'm trying to get out
How did I get so far from where I was?
When did I decide to lose my way?
Who have I become?
I've got a new low
All 52 cards in a row
I see now that I won't let go
No I won't let go
Well who am I?
A cold shoulder left to cry
You feel bad? Well so do I
Yeah so do I
I've been right, I've been left
I've been wrong, I've been left behind
I've been up but mostly down
I can not help feeling like I have so much at stake
So I lock myself inside my head
And I just run in place
So many directions I don't know which way to go
I'm so busy doing nothing
I got nothing to show
I've been right; I've been left
I've been wrong; I've been left behind
I've been up but mostly down
I make mistakes just like everybody else
But instead I'm letting go of it
I can't forgive myself
Well I did my time in this windowless box, like it or not
All I got now is today, tomorrow aint here
And yesterday has gone dead on me anyway
---
It's me..that song. Trying to just get into today and stay present today.... because it's the only safe place. If I can stay in today, and not "go back" and not "think forward" then I have a chance to stay above, not sink into the sadness... because I have to walk here, I don't get a choice - and it's hard to walk sunk deep in mud.
So I'll keep trying to shake it all off... I am loosing my life in my sadness. And life, short or long, in the grand scheme of Time - is a freakin blip - 2 months or 100 years, when compared against all the ages -well, don't register much. So, I gotta somehow, get into the simple moment and live there...
I can go back over that day 100's times. I'm never going to settle. I could have done things differently - I should have done things differently. I screwed up and very well may have contributed to Gwen's death. My gut and heart are sure - that I screwed up... So why keep going back? It's done. It's done. It's done. I'll never have clean hands.
I watched footage of the Tsunami on a PBS documentary yesterday. They have real tragedy and devastation... as do so many others in this world. I do nothing for them if I keep wallowing in my comparative "cake walk."
I gotta get out of the box I've made.
But will I ever feel part of the world again? I want to get out and genuinely live. That feels like too much to ask. It's honestly easier in the box, I'm real there, I'm genuine. I don't want to keep "trying" to be normal... I want to feel it, I want it to feel right.
But, I suppose that's too much to ask. Three people. Loose three teeth and imagine how long that would take to "get used to" - people - well, I guess that's just longer.... I guess that's just the way it is.
And we still have ashes that wait... we still have questions to ask... we still have the big anniversaries, two on the same day in May and one in Oct... almost a year has only been an hour here for us, in our newly forming life.
It makes me so tired. Of thinking. Of running in place. Of feeling so much of everything, the good and the bad. so tired.
I drove by the old hospital (a new one opened this summer). The place where she died. I drive by all the time... and swallow it. Every time. You can't not think about it somewhere in your head, the place you went with Hope and left - left an entire life behind and began a new one.
As I crested this hill that day, just after passing that awful place - it was M and all my love for her that flooded my aching soul. I do a lot of crying in the car when I'm alone. That moment it was for M. My sis-in-law.... it was one of the first moments it sank into reality - the reality of her goneness. And my so NOT okayness about it.
I never did this before - but I talked to Marie and asked her to give me something - I was so afraid to "test" this. She has come through before - many times without me asking. But those are me giving meaning to things - all be it honest-to-God coincidences that just are hard not to explain otherwise, than somehow, M giving a "wink."
Well -M used to post a lot of lyrics on facebook, lines from various songs that gave words to well, usually the sad and melancholy moments - she did have many in the last several years of her life. So, would't you know - a song came on I'd never heard before... and it's one that speaks exactly to where I am, not just a few lines here and there, but the whole song. For me, it just, I am going to say maybe M wanted to say, she knows....as God knows, my sadness and the depths that go into wordless aches - that my feelings of disconnection to the world here, are met by connectedness "over there" (if there is this "over there" -my need for it is always my doubt - two thoughts existing in the same place in my head at the same time).
This morning I fought back the tears as I thought about her brother's story, how he and his family were driving up here - and they got the news about M. He had pulled over on the side of the road. He got out of the car and walked in the grass and cried. His three-year old asked her mommy why daddy was crying.
Soon, in two months we'll go to the family house again, that my husband and his family grew up with - that is also a part of my life now - it is the first place I met all of his family -back in the summer 1998.
Last year they didn't speak of her much - we didn't really talk about her. But this year, we will go to the same house and I guess, I don't know, not speak of W? But it will be so loudly real. I love this place and now, I hate this same place too. I'll keep it wonderful for Lil, but now, I just ache ahead-of-time to be in that house with thoughts of all the years before, and W last year, there with his girlfriend who I couldn't wait to call "sis-in-law"... where despite the pain, it seemed like we were going to make it, somehow... We had good times last year. He left early Saturday without saying goodbye. But that was kinda his way. He and his girlfriend were going on a trip out West. We thought we were all okay enough...
All the empty places there are where memories will tear at my heart, where I can look and only ever look back if I want to see them again, there. A place where yet, we never got to bring Gwen...even when I was pregnant with her. Memories or lack there of, both have turned a place I loved into a mental battle - to a place I wish I could just leave in the past so I don't have to "be strong" and face the new sadness there.
Anyway, here's the lyrics to the song that M played for me.
I have no space, no room to move around
And this box is getting smaller
I'm trying to get out
How did I get so far from where I was?
When did I decide to lose my way?
Who have I become?
I've got a new low
All 52 cards in a row
I see now that I won't let go
No I won't let go
Well who am I?
A cold shoulder left to cry
You feel bad? Well so do I
Yeah so do I
I've been right, I've been left
I've been wrong, I've been left behind
I've been up but mostly down
I can not help feeling like I have so much at stake
So I lock myself inside my head
And I just run in place
So many directions I don't know which way to go
I'm so busy doing nothing
I got nothing to show
I've been right; I've been left
I've been wrong; I've been left behind
I've been up but mostly down
I make mistakes just like everybody else
But instead I'm letting go of it
I can't forgive myself
Well I did my time in this windowless box, like it or not
All I got now is today, tomorrow aint here
And yesterday has gone dead on me anyway
---
It's me..that song. Trying to just get into today and stay present today.... because it's the only safe place. If I can stay in today, and not "go back" and not "think forward" then I have a chance to stay above, not sink into the sadness... because I have to walk here, I don't get a choice - and it's hard to walk sunk deep in mud.
So I'll keep trying to shake it all off... I am loosing my life in my sadness. And life, short or long, in the grand scheme of Time - is a freakin blip - 2 months or 100 years, when compared against all the ages -well, don't register much. So, I gotta somehow, get into the simple moment and live there...
I can go back over that day 100's times. I'm never going to settle. I could have done things differently - I should have done things differently. I screwed up and very well may have contributed to Gwen's death. My gut and heart are sure - that I screwed up... So why keep going back? It's done. It's done. It's done. I'll never have clean hands.
I watched footage of the Tsunami on a PBS documentary yesterday. They have real tragedy and devastation... as do so many others in this world. I do nothing for them if I keep wallowing in my comparative "cake walk."
I gotta get out of the box I've made.
But will I ever feel part of the world again? I want to get out and genuinely live. That feels like too much to ask. It's honestly easier in the box, I'm real there, I'm genuine. I don't want to keep "trying" to be normal... I want to feel it, I want it to feel right.
But, I suppose that's too much to ask. Three people. Loose three teeth and imagine how long that would take to "get used to" - people - well, I guess that's just longer.... I guess that's just the way it is.
And we still have ashes that wait... we still have questions to ask... we still have the big anniversaries, two on the same day in May and one in Oct... almost a year has only been an hour here for us, in our newly forming life.
It makes me so tired. Of thinking. Of running in place. Of feeling so much of everything, the good and the bad. so tired.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Wish I could...
stop thinking about that day. That week. And everything I wish I did differently - and seeing it all happen differently and seeing us save her in time. You could title the "movies" in my head - "A Million Different Moments where I Could Have Done things Differently that Might Have Saved My Child."
Wish I could wring out my soul and get all the sadness out once and for all.
Wish talking and/writing would make it go away. Would change things.
Wish, wish, wish....
wish.
Wish I didn't still have open ends to follow up with regarding that day.
Wish Anthem would stop sending us mailings, addressed to Gwen, about keeping her up-to date on doc visits and shots. Really...I have to call them again? Come on.
Wish I could do something with her ashes - wish my husband could get to a place where he even wants to think about it.
Wish my dreams would not be about me dying from a terrorist bomber, or a chosen lethal injection to save me future suffering from some disease, or about Lil drowning, again - and not being able to reach her... I mean, come on sub-conscience - what is going on here- MUST you feed me that kinda stuff??
Wish I didn't know what CHD was....wish for Gwen and SO many other kids and their parents that there was no such thing as CHD.
Wish wish wish wish wish. Waste. waste, waste waste, waste. So, why can't I drop it all...stop wishing my life away.... cause like it or not, this is my lot, my life and somehow I've gotta start owning it and not hating it.
I'm so tired.
Wish I could wring out my soul and get all the sadness out once and for all.
Wish talking and/writing would make it go away. Would change things.
Wish, wish, wish....
wish.
Wish I didn't still have open ends to follow up with regarding that day.
Wish Anthem would stop sending us mailings, addressed to Gwen, about keeping her up-to date on doc visits and shots. Really...I have to call them again? Come on.
Wish I could do something with her ashes - wish my husband could get to a place where he even wants to think about it.
Wish my dreams would not be about me dying from a terrorist bomber, or a chosen lethal injection to save me future suffering from some disease, or about Lil drowning, again - and not being able to reach her... I mean, come on sub-conscience - what is going on here- MUST you feed me that kinda stuff??
Wish I didn't know what CHD was....wish for Gwen and SO many other kids and their parents that there was no such thing as CHD.
Wish wish wish wish wish. Waste. waste, waste waste, waste. So, why can't I drop it all...stop wishing my life away.... cause like it or not, this is my lot, my life and somehow I've gotta start owning it and not hating it.
I'm so tired.
Monday, March 28, 2011
still
Still find myself so sad.
Just sad. Because this is how it is now. This is how it has to be. Because I don't get a choice. It is what it is. Any choices I had - well.... I made them, and here I am.
And I know I have choices in "this". I get that. I can be a "survivor" of crappy things...and I can do it - and without trying (time, it does that all by itself for me - see, look, I'm going forward, "moving on" - hurrah, look at me - being pulled away from those gone, lost, in the past - where I'm supposed to just leave them in peace, with peace...).
In my head tonight is this line (about death);
"I saw him coming (how rotten he looked),
and I watched him as he took and took:
and nothing was mine."
I don't know if I took a wrong turn, was going too fast, was too self-focused, or just plain blind to obvious things. But I played my part and I lost. Then we lost two more... And my mind doesn't forget the details of each moment...
And it's aways at night - after a day trying to be a decent mom to an amazingly wonderful but truly, challenging three-year-old... She's SO sweet and I love this kid like I can't believe - but she is also determined to test me and trips me up constantly in the battles of wills. I pretty much can't get a thing done other then very basic things - so that leaves night. And all day I push away thoughts....and when I sit at last, to work on things that I really need to do... it all floods in... the sadness that has been pecking at me all day - the wandering thoughts down three paths of three people gone.
I get so worn down and so done with everything. I don't know how to be a friend anymore. I don't know how to relate anymore. There is pressure everywhere because that is life - but I'm so quick to fold at this hour and just forget everything and go to bed. Then everything compounds itself and I start the next day even more behind with things...
I can play the part life needs me to play. But I'm not really in it yet. And it's exhausting to exist that way. But I guess eventually I'll end up there... I have to. I can't live two lives.
But for now, I still mostly feel diminished... and lots of sad. Lamenting the future...without each. Eventually I'll get used to what is behind me and what is not ever going to come to pass, for Gwen, for M and for W - but let me tell you - that's hard because - it was going to be so good - I know :) my faith in each of these people was perfect and easy and 100%.
But, here I am, and, the lesson is - here, now - this nowness is everything and it is to be noticed. And, even better - it is to be lived. How? With love - regardless. Love is the instruction regardless. It is allllll about getting over ourselves and getting out into...being the light and the spark. I'll get back to living again someday... And, my hope - is that I do better. Live better.
And for now, nothing is as I'd like it to be - but my house, this mess is a place (a cute saying I read this summer) my house has my daughter sleeping soundly and my husband, though sad too, he is here in this home, reading and trying to make peace with the end of the day - distracting his mind as best he can with his book. And my mom (she had a bad fall down this stairs this weekend) is okay (thank God). There are trees snowing pink flowers - two of them out front. I have cats that have faith that one-day I'll play with them again. I am a terrible friend - but I love my friends so much - and I often think of them and just feel lucky, really lucky for the people I know as friends.
So many things in my life are in serious need of attention - but I'll try again tomorrow and for now - it's a good night as I reflect on the little tiny world I know. In the next several months I'll hold my brothers and his wife's first born- a girl and my sis-in-law's and her husband's first born son and third baby girl will be born to my brother-in-law and his wife. A cousin of mine is due with a girl the same date that Gwen was due. Another cousin on my husbands side who struggled for years - is expecting a girl. And today I woke up with such excitement and want to be holding my nephew whom I expect to meet in June -it surprised me honestly. I appreciate the rawness that I exist in now, even as it does - leave me also tired for feeling so much. And sad. I am full, but diminished - a strange mix of two extremes. (ha, should I quote Billy Joel again - "darlin' I don't know why I go to extreems.....to high or two low, their an't no in-betweens... sometimes I lie awake night after night, coming apart at the seams..."). No, I'm going to end with Rilke.
-----------
Just sad. Because this is how it is now. This is how it has to be. Because I don't get a choice. It is what it is. Any choices I had - well.... I made them, and here I am.
And I know I have choices in "this". I get that. I can be a "survivor" of crappy things...and I can do it - and without trying (time, it does that all by itself for me - see, look, I'm going forward, "moving on" - hurrah, look at me - being pulled away from those gone, lost, in the past - where I'm supposed to just leave them in peace, with peace...).
In my head tonight is this line (about death);
"I saw him coming (how rotten he looked),
and I watched him as he took and took:
and nothing was mine."
I don't know if I took a wrong turn, was going too fast, was too self-focused, or just plain blind to obvious things. But I played my part and I lost. Then we lost two more... And my mind doesn't forget the details of each moment...
And it's aways at night - after a day trying to be a decent mom to an amazingly wonderful but truly, challenging three-year-old... She's SO sweet and I love this kid like I can't believe - but she is also determined to test me and trips me up constantly in the battles of wills. I pretty much can't get a thing done other then very basic things - so that leaves night. And all day I push away thoughts....and when I sit at last, to work on things that I really need to do... it all floods in... the sadness that has been pecking at me all day - the wandering thoughts down three paths of three people gone.
I get so worn down and so done with everything. I don't know how to be a friend anymore. I don't know how to relate anymore. There is pressure everywhere because that is life - but I'm so quick to fold at this hour and just forget everything and go to bed. Then everything compounds itself and I start the next day even more behind with things...
I can play the part life needs me to play. But I'm not really in it yet. And it's exhausting to exist that way. But I guess eventually I'll end up there... I have to. I can't live two lives.
But for now, I still mostly feel diminished... and lots of sad. Lamenting the future...without each. Eventually I'll get used to what is behind me and what is not ever going to come to pass, for Gwen, for M and for W - but let me tell you - that's hard because - it was going to be so good - I know :) my faith in each of these people was perfect and easy and 100%.
But, here I am, and, the lesson is - here, now - this nowness is everything and it is to be noticed. And, even better - it is to be lived. How? With love - regardless. Love is the instruction regardless. It is allllll about getting over ourselves and getting out into...being the light and the spark. I'll get back to living again someday... And, my hope - is that I do better. Live better.
And for now, nothing is as I'd like it to be - but my house, this mess is a place (a cute saying I read this summer) my house has my daughter sleeping soundly and my husband, though sad too, he is here in this home, reading and trying to make peace with the end of the day - distracting his mind as best he can with his book. And my mom (she had a bad fall down this stairs this weekend) is okay (thank God). There are trees snowing pink flowers - two of them out front. I have cats that have faith that one-day I'll play with them again. I am a terrible friend - but I love my friends so much - and I often think of them and just feel lucky, really lucky for the people I know as friends.
So many things in my life are in serious need of attention - but I'll try again tomorrow and for now - it's a good night as I reflect on the little tiny world I know. In the next several months I'll hold my brothers and his wife's first born- a girl and my sis-in-law's and her husband's first born son and third baby girl will be born to my brother-in-law and his wife. A cousin of mine is due with a girl the same date that Gwen was due. Another cousin on my husbands side who struggled for years - is expecting a girl. And today I woke up with such excitement and want to be holding my nephew whom I expect to meet in June -it surprised me honestly. I appreciate the rawness that I exist in now, even as it does - leave me also tired for feeling so much. And sad. I am full, but diminished - a strange mix of two extremes. (ha, should I quote Billy Joel again - "darlin' I don't know why I go to extreems.....to high or two low, their an't no in-betweens... sometimes I lie awake night after night, coming apart at the seams..."). No, I'm going to end with Rilke.
-----------
| In the beginning life was good to me; it held me warm and gave me courage. That this is granted all while in their youth, how could I then have known of this. I never knew what living was----. But suddenly it was just year on year, no more good, no more new, no more wonderful. Life had been torn in two right down the middle. That was not his fault nor mine since both of us had nothing but patience; but death has none. I saw him coming (how rotten he looked), and I watched him as he took and took: and nothing was mine. What, then, belonged to me; was mine, my own? Was not even this utter wretchedness on loan to me by fate? Fate does not only claim your happiness, it also wants your pain back and your tears and buys the ruin as something useless, old. Fate was present and acquired for a nothing every expression my face is capable of, even to the way I walk. The daily diminishing of me went on and after I was emptied fate gave me up and left me standing there, abandoned. Translated by Albert Ernest Flemming Rainer Maria Rilke |
Sunday, March 27, 2011
the lovely myopic mess
I want to think out-loud in much more detail about some personal stuff (family stuff)...but I can't. I can't risk it because I'm not at liberty to go into it. But, I have a lot weighing on my mind...
I'm reading some interesting books. Things I want to quote and reflect on and dissect here.
But I can't. I only get to read a little at night, just before I go to sleep - when I should be sleeping and not reading anyway.
Between both blogs I only get to dump 1/3 of all in my head....so much still that I wish I could spend time thinking through and pinning down -that, for me, would be helpful for my "grieving process".... But I can't get through the days the way I need to if I don't get enough sleep. I've learned that one by now.
I can do "manic" for a few days. And well. But I pay. And it's not okay for Lil. I need a functioning brain, end of story. This "stuff" sitting around in my head has to be put on the back burner on another stove...
But even doing that, I feel like I am a split mother - and torn further by the fall-out from the loss of M and W. (My youngest brother-in-law is just is having a rough time...and that's all I can say here. His mom, I guess is doing the best she can.... It's hard. I'm concerned for him and yet, can't do much. We HOPE to have him here this summer for a long time...but also know, we are inviting a challenge - I know we can't "fix" him... but...we wanna to at least try to be there for him.)
And, besides my lovely, always-huge "to do" list, there are still, so many loose ends, from all that has happened.
Everyone thinks the nightmare is all behind us - but it's so not. I still have to get medical records transferred, and sent to us, and read (I want to read them for myself, ya know)...we still have her ashes in the basement because I can't handle them and what they are (I feel my stomach sink just at the thought, the connection, my baby...)... and I still have to get Lil's heart checked just to make sure she isn't running around with some undetected CHD. I still need the doctors to answer some questions about Gwen's situation... sigh. And my husband only talks a little bit about "everything" and cryptically at that, so I never know where he is, in "this" and I can't really get his help with any of the above.
We are so not "out" of anything of what happened last year, instead, I feel we are only just beginning to get in it...to live in it, to exist in how it is now, to face the fall-out, because that's what the "new normal" everyone loves to tout, that's all it is, "fall-out"...and yes, there's plenty of Hope to be found in devastation - but This - it is devastation and, well, what is left? What is left but Hope and Faith?
You have no choice here... it's not courage, it's not strength, it's not wisdom - I literately have to hand everything I knew of Gwen over to Faith, and HOPE to GOD (God?) that Faith is real, that the arms I am giving her too, are really there...and that allllllllll that little huge idea (Faith) is, is.
I have no choice. If I don't hand her to Faith - then well, I'm tossing her away for good - and I can't do that. So - what choice?
And we all know I don't move forward. Time drags me. I bound forward with no sense of Faith - instead, I know everything that "is" could "switch" to something different - in an instand, before I knew it was happening even - new devastation awaits and I'm just fodder for it all.
Yes, I HOPE that we've seen the worst. But, that's a begging, pleading kind of Hope. I now, I "get" what it means that well, - let's put it this way - It snowed today and my thought was, "hmmmmm, this mostly likely is the last snow of the season, being that it is Virginia and almost April... and who knows, maybe the last snow someone I love will ever see....maybe it could be the last snow I'll ever see. So then it's pretty amazing to see one last snow. I am so glad I got to see one last snow, just in case. Because I know, I know I didn't appreciate the snow earlier, because at the time, I didn't think it would be the last...it was still winter. So as snow probably won't be seen again here 'till two more seasons move through.... and as "who knows??"... Well then, you enjoy even crappy cold snaps after spirit-lifting warm-spells. Appreciation, because we are all snowmen in early spring. Us and everyone around us.
Anyway. There's just so much...Myers and I keep finding ourselves so depleted and empty, and at different times in different ways. I'm tired of it all, but it's all not going to change.
And there are plenty, plenty of blessings everyday - so many good moments - I'm not all "blah," and cynical and weary... I could go on and on about the many good things and how really, truly, we are blessed and cocooned - our life is so good... but see, there isn't even time for that (see Lil's blog, I never get there). I promised myself I'd be good tonight and get a bit organized for the week... so off I go.
But, truly I fear I'm going to become someone who goes around in circles in her head while the fires burn around, personally and out-beyond my own little myopic mess.
I was like this before, see. Everyone I know would tell me - I always feel overwhelmed and behind in life... and it's true. I have so many ideas and visions in my head for what I want to do... I'm all "good intentions" and bunny trails and that's it. It just sucks more to find myself in "grief" (to sum it up), wanting to really do something with the mess of everything, and finding the truth again of, "no matter where you go, there you are."
"And all that means is that I'm running on ice
Caught in the vice so strong
I'm slipping and sliding, cause I'm running on ice
Where did my life go wrong
You've got to run
You've got to run
As fast as I can climb
A new disaster every time I turn around
As soon as I get one fire put out
There's another building burning down"
- Billy Joel
I'm reading some interesting books. Things I want to quote and reflect on and dissect here.
But I can't. I only get to read a little at night, just before I go to sleep - when I should be sleeping and not reading anyway.
Between both blogs I only get to dump 1/3 of all in my head....so much still that I wish I could spend time thinking through and pinning down -that, for me, would be helpful for my "grieving process".... But I can't get through the days the way I need to if I don't get enough sleep. I've learned that one by now.
I can do "manic" for a few days. And well. But I pay. And it's not okay for Lil. I need a functioning brain, end of story. This "stuff" sitting around in my head has to be put on the back burner on another stove...
But even doing that, I feel like I am a split mother - and torn further by the fall-out from the loss of M and W. (My youngest brother-in-law is just is having a rough time...and that's all I can say here. His mom, I guess is doing the best she can.... It's hard. I'm concerned for him and yet, can't do much. We HOPE to have him here this summer for a long time...but also know, we are inviting a challenge - I know we can't "fix" him... but...we wanna to at least try to be there for him.)
And, besides my lovely, always-huge "to do" list, there are still, so many loose ends, from all that has happened.
Everyone thinks the nightmare is all behind us - but it's so not. I still have to get medical records transferred, and sent to us, and read (I want to read them for myself, ya know)...we still have her ashes in the basement because I can't handle them and what they are (I feel my stomach sink just at the thought, the connection, my baby...)... and I still have to get Lil's heart checked just to make sure she isn't running around with some undetected CHD. I still need the doctors to answer some questions about Gwen's situation... sigh. And my husband only talks a little bit about "everything" and cryptically at that, so I never know where he is, in "this" and I can't really get his help with any of the above.
We are so not "out" of anything of what happened last year, instead, I feel we are only just beginning to get in it...to live in it, to exist in how it is now, to face the fall-out, because that's what the "new normal" everyone loves to tout, that's all it is, "fall-out"...and yes, there's plenty of Hope to be found in devastation - but This - it is devastation and, well, what is left? What is left but Hope and Faith?
You have no choice here... it's not courage, it's not strength, it's not wisdom - I literately have to hand everything I knew of Gwen over to Faith, and HOPE to GOD (God?) that Faith is real, that the arms I am giving her too, are really there...and that allllllllll that little huge idea (Faith) is, is.
I have no choice. If I don't hand her to Faith - then well, I'm tossing her away for good - and I can't do that. So - what choice?
And we all know I don't move forward. Time drags me. I bound forward with no sense of Faith - instead, I know everything that "is" could "switch" to something different - in an instand, before I knew it was happening even - new devastation awaits and I'm just fodder for it all.
Yes, I HOPE that we've seen the worst. But, that's a begging, pleading kind of Hope. I now, I "get" what it means that well, - let's put it this way - It snowed today and my thought was, "hmmmmm, this mostly likely is the last snow of the season, being that it is Virginia and almost April... and who knows, maybe the last snow someone I love will ever see....maybe it could be the last snow I'll ever see. So then it's pretty amazing to see one last snow. I am so glad I got to see one last snow, just in case. Because I know, I know I didn't appreciate the snow earlier, because at the time, I didn't think it would be the last...it was still winter. So as snow probably won't be seen again here 'till two more seasons move through.... and as "who knows??"... Well then, you enjoy even crappy cold snaps after spirit-lifting warm-spells. Appreciation, because we are all snowmen in early spring. Us and everyone around us.
Anyway. There's just so much...Myers and I keep finding ourselves so depleted and empty, and at different times in different ways. I'm tired of it all, but it's all not going to change.
And there are plenty, plenty of blessings everyday - so many good moments - I'm not all "blah," and cynical and weary... I could go on and on about the many good things and how really, truly, we are blessed and cocooned - our life is so good... but see, there isn't even time for that (see Lil's blog, I never get there). I promised myself I'd be good tonight and get a bit organized for the week... so off I go.
But, truly I fear I'm going to become someone who goes around in circles in her head while the fires burn around, personally and out-beyond my own little myopic mess.
I was like this before, see. Everyone I know would tell me - I always feel overwhelmed and behind in life... and it's true. I have so many ideas and visions in my head for what I want to do... I'm all "good intentions" and bunny trails and that's it. It just sucks more to find myself in "grief" (to sum it up), wanting to really do something with the mess of everything, and finding the truth again of, "no matter where you go, there you are."
"And all that means is that I'm running on ice
Caught in the vice so strong
I'm slipping and sliding, cause I'm running on ice
Where did my life go wrong
You've got to run
You've got to run
As fast as I can climb
A new disaster every time I turn around
As soon as I get one fire put out
There's another building burning down"
- Billy Joel
Monday, February 28, 2011
My Impractical Heart
"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
- the Tin Man
I knew it was coming.
Why does the fact that it really is here....
March.
one year later.
How can it be this bad feeling?
It is late. Too late at night. Almost 3:00 a.m for goodness sake. I've been going non-stop on too many projects (okay, except for when I burn out and get negative things done in every area of my life...). But really, I've been bone weary with several things - trying to inch forward - too many things on my heart and in life... no balance possible.
So it really is too late to spend a moment here...this late, nothing good will come - I'm going to feel worse simply because of how tired I am... so I won't take this all too seriously...
But I'm stunned to see how March, just seeing it really here - affected me...
I've even been planning for this month. I wrote ahead on my kitchen calendar, her birthday - I decorated with clovers and hearts in our entrance way, today we did a centerpiece on our table with "Gwen things" (Lil made an angel of of bristle blocks - I LOVE this girl). I've been thinking long and hard on how to "celebrate" her birthday, how to honor her life in some meaningful way.
Yet as I head to bed and notice "Heart Awareness Month" is over (and I didn't get all that I wanted up on her blog) and I see the month, the letters spelling it out, March...I see the date telling me today it begins...
Her life here with me will soon be over-written. Starting in 17 days.
My time carrying her inside me is almost entirely over-written...
This time last year we were packing to move to Philly. We moved on the 4th or something like that. I remember it like it's still happening.
I can cope. I can push it all somewhere. I can remind myself this is love. The pain is love. That's all it is. So it's okay...
But God.
She is not here. I can't celebrate her first birthday with her. God, it hurts.
The heart seems to be so simple.
Made only to love and that is it.
This whole thing - it doesn't understand. Where, where is this baby, this little girl I love so much??? My heart doesn't understand and never will.
It just never will. I think March 1st will always hurt a little... a new year without. A confusion of the Hope of Spring. A clash.
Today, while walking out in the warm rain with Lil, I saw a daffodil just about to pop. The daffodils were in bloom in Philly. My little girl was soon to be born there. Spring would greet me in full force when we at last, left for home, with our two little girls...
I forgot however, that spring is fickle. Warm one day, chill and dreary the next. I remember wanting the warm weather to stay, to "kick-in" for good... now I can hardly recall, did summer even happen? How is it March? It was just March...
But here I am. And the daffodils are going to bloom again. Like nothing ever happened.
----
And I'm fine. I'm okay. I get it. This is just how it is now. This is.
I'm used to the breaking. The shattering. It's old-hat now and I'm a pro. It happens and then I just pick up the pieces again and keep walking on...
but it sucks. I just want her... I'm tired of always knowing how impractical hearts are....
- the Tin Man
I knew it was coming.
Why does the fact that it really is here....
March.
one year later.
How can it be this bad feeling?
It is late. Too late at night. Almost 3:00 a.m for goodness sake. I've been going non-stop on too many projects (okay, except for when I burn out and get negative things done in every area of my life...). But really, I've been bone weary with several things - trying to inch forward - too many things on my heart and in life... no balance possible.
So it really is too late to spend a moment here...this late, nothing good will come - I'm going to feel worse simply because of how tired I am... so I won't take this all too seriously...
But I'm stunned to see how March, just seeing it really here - affected me...
I've even been planning for this month. I wrote ahead on my kitchen calendar, her birthday - I decorated with clovers and hearts in our entrance way, today we did a centerpiece on our table with "Gwen things" (Lil made an angel of of bristle blocks - I LOVE this girl). I've been thinking long and hard on how to "celebrate" her birthday, how to honor her life in some meaningful way.
Yet as I head to bed and notice "Heart Awareness Month" is over (and I didn't get all that I wanted up on her blog) and I see the month, the letters spelling it out, March...I see the date telling me today it begins...
Her life here with me will soon be over-written. Starting in 17 days.
My time carrying her inside me is almost entirely over-written...
This time last year we were packing to move to Philly. We moved on the 4th or something like that. I remember it like it's still happening.
I can cope. I can push it all somewhere. I can remind myself this is love. The pain is love. That's all it is. So it's okay...
But God.
She is not here. I can't celebrate her first birthday with her. God, it hurts.
The heart seems to be so simple.
Made only to love and that is it.
This whole thing - it doesn't understand. Where, where is this baby, this little girl I love so much??? My heart doesn't understand and never will.
It just never will. I think March 1st will always hurt a little... a new year without. A confusion of the Hope of Spring. A clash.
Today, while walking out in the warm rain with Lil, I saw a daffodil just about to pop. The daffodils were in bloom in Philly. My little girl was soon to be born there. Spring would greet me in full force when we at last, left for home, with our two little girls...
I forgot however, that spring is fickle. Warm one day, chill and dreary the next. I remember wanting the warm weather to stay, to "kick-in" for good... now I can hardly recall, did summer even happen? How is it March? It was just March...
But here I am. And the daffodils are going to bloom again. Like nothing ever happened.
----
And I'm fine. I'm okay. I get it. This is just how it is now. This is.
I'm used to the breaking. The shattering. It's old-hat now and I'm a pro. It happens and then I just pick up the pieces again and keep walking on...
but it sucks. I just want her... I'm tired of always knowing how impractical hearts are....
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
this is how it is now.
maybe if I say it enough.
maybe then.
somehow.
it will be okay.
----------------
I looked at the new church directory. I think it came out a few months ago. We are a tiny church...started downtown, a "plant" from another one. It was nearer to our house and we love our downtown - liked the message - very intellectually challenging. They cared. I know. They check in...some of them. They can't touch this.... they have no idea.
I have more in common with someone in a third world country who lost three members of their family in some natural disaster. For us, our "natural disaster" is simply our very own life.
I wrote her name in. On the church directory. My copy of it anyway. I only looked at it today. Maybe I would have said something when it first came out, when I noticed they didn't include her...
Am I too sensitive?
What have I become? Too self-absorbed. My husband too? Or is this how it is.... who knows - we are for the most part (thank God) untreaded territory. Most people don't loose like this... We are uncharted.
---
I did one more task today... I used to have a tiny, tiny, tiny, really small, hobby-of-a-business with a friend. I was building it and excited about it...
Now I have to pick up the pieces. My biz partner moved during all of this and she wasn't the "paper work person" anyway. Let me tell you how much paper work I got done since Nov. 19th 2009. -None.
Thankfully the biz is so small it is insignificant - the past two years we don't owe squat in taxes. But I do have paper work - and possible fines for all that is undone - still.
But today, I did - I was at the post office and I finally got the guts to ask about our stupid PO box. It was closed a year ago. A YEAR ago. All mail in it, returned.
God I felt dumb. I apologized. I said we lost three family members this year. I tried not to cry (I cry easily when I'm frustrated or really embarrassed....so tack that character trait onto carrying around a baby girl no one sees...). I was totally on the spot - the line got longer the very instant I asked about the box - there were only two check-out people and I was taking up a lot of time - it took a bit of time for them to figure out our box didn't exist anymore.
I thanked her. I purchased two books of stamps. She asked if it mattered what they were. I asked for the liberty bell - I had a daughter who was born in Philly - so one book I was going to keep...pass on to Gwen's sibling/s one day.
I didn't cry. But my voice was weak. My eyes watery... but thank God I didn't totally loose it - as I face all the mess now in my life...
Some people "sail through their troubles" - I am aparantly not one of them.
Shipwreck over here. But one point for me today... I dealt with the PO Box.
---
I bought two St. Patrick's Day cards for Gwen. Obviously I'm out of my mind. I don't know what I'll do with them... but I had to buy the darn things. One was "Your 1st. St. Patrick's Day" the other was "Happy St. Patty's Day Birthday.'
I also got a great card for my mom and dad, for my brother and his wife (and baby-on-the-way), and my sis-in-law and her husband and "baby-on-the-way"... so I'm not all doom and gloom...
--
These days I stress the most over her B-Day coming up - and what exactly I'm going to do to honor her on it - besides blend into the St. Patty's crowd and drink... a lot... ;)
I'm afraid I won't come up with something just right in time and then have to scramble something together.
I'd like to move her ashes to the urn. Up from the basement...
But I can't talk to my husband...
He is full of heaviness and keeps working hard to keep himself distracted (his own words). He is not well... and I'm not able to do squat...
But I can get dinner cooked... so better go.
And, just for the record - Lillian is so sweet - it hurts. I love her so much - I'm so sorry that this is the world around her right now... she's rolling with it (yesterday she drew sad faces all over the place and explained they were sad because they missed their Aunt Marie). Poor thing - I guess I don't hide it all that well, and I know Myers is pretty evident in his sorrow... poor Lil... sweet girl.
---
How really. How is this how it is now?
My life a mold I'll never fit in again - but I have to keep trying and trying just to push myself into the world I live in...
It's okay. But it is tiring. I'd like a break, some vacation away somewhere beautiful and just to be alone for several days, just me and my thoughts, my sweet melancholy, my love for those lost - so that I can at least define it all somewhat... and cry any time I feel like it...
maybe if I say it enough.
maybe then.
somehow.
it will be okay.
----------------
I looked at the new church directory. I think it came out a few months ago. We are a tiny church...started downtown, a "plant" from another one. It was nearer to our house and we love our downtown - liked the message - very intellectually challenging. They cared. I know. They check in...some of them. They can't touch this.... they have no idea.
I have more in common with someone in a third world country who lost three members of their family in some natural disaster. For us, our "natural disaster" is simply our very own life.
I wrote her name in. On the church directory. My copy of it anyway. I only looked at it today. Maybe I would have said something when it first came out, when I noticed they didn't include her...
Am I too sensitive?
What have I become? Too self-absorbed. My husband too? Or is this how it is.... who knows - we are for the most part (thank God) untreaded territory. Most people don't loose like this... We are uncharted.
---
I did one more task today... I used to have a tiny, tiny, tiny, really small, hobby-of-a-business with a friend. I was building it and excited about it...
Now I have to pick up the pieces. My biz partner moved during all of this and she wasn't the "paper work person" anyway. Let me tell you how much paper work I got done since Nov. 19th 2009. -None.
Thankfully the biz is so small it is insignificant - the past two years we don't owe squat in taxes. But I do have paper work - and possible fines for all that is undone - still.
But today, I did - I was at the post office and I finally got the guts to ask about our stupid PO box. It was closed a year ago. A YEAR ago. All mail in it, returned.
God I felt dumb. I apologized. I said we lost three family members this year. I tried not to cry (I cry easily when I'm frustrated or really embarrassed....so tack that character trait onto carrying around a baby girl no one sees...). I was totally on the spot - the line got longer the very instant I asked about the box - there were only two check-out people and I was taking up a lot of time - it took a bit of time for them to figure out our box didn't exist anymore.
I thanked her. I purchased two books of stamps. She asked if it mattered what they were. I asked for the liberty bell - I had a daughter who was born in Philly - so one book I was going to keep...pass on to Gwen's sibling/s one day.
I didn't cry. But my voice was weak. My eyes watery... but thank God I didn't totally loose it - as I face all the mess now in my life...
Some people "sail through their troubles" - I am aparantly not one of them.
Shipwreck over here. But one point for me today... I dealt with the PO Box.
---
I bought two St. Patrick's Day cards for Gwen. Obviously I'm out of my mind. I don't know what I'll do with them... but I had to buy the darn things. One was "Your 1st. St. Patrick's Day" the other was "Happy St. Patty's Day Birthday.'
I also got a great card for my mom and dad, for my brother and his wife (and baby-on-the-way), and my sis-in-law and her husband and "baby-on-the-way"... so I'm not all doom and gloom...
--
These days I stress the most over her B-Day coming up - and what exactly I'm going to do to honor her on it - besides blend into the St. Patty's crowd and drink... a lot... ;)
I'm afraid I won't come up with something just right in time and then have to scramble something together.
I'd like to move her ashes to the urn. Up from the basement...
But I can't talk to my husband...
He is full of heaviness and keeps working hard to keep himself distracted (his own words). He is not well... and I'm not able to do squat...
But I can get dinner cooked... so better go.
And, just for the record - Lillian is so sweet - it hurts. I love her so much - I'm so sorry that this is the world around her right now... she's rolling with it (yesterday she drew sad faces all over the place and explained they were sad because they missed their Aunt Marie). Poor thing - I guess I don't hide it all that well, and I know Myers is pretty evident in his sorrow... poor Lil... sweet girl.
---
How really. How is this how it is now?
My life a mold I'll never fit in again - but I have to keep trying and trying just to push myself into the world I live in...
It's okay. But it is tiring. I'd like a break, some vacation away somewhere beautiful and just to be alone for several days, just me and my thoughts, my sweet melancholy, my love for those lost - so that I can at least define it all somewhat... and cry any time I feel like it...
Saturday, February 12, 2011
The truth
As I share Gwen's story and other things for CHD awareness on her blog I drag guilt with me through every post I publish. I know I'm lying. She is NOT gone because of her CHD as all my posts seem to suggest.
She is gone because of a virus. Any baby could have got the same virus and left that quickly. We were schooled in that fact by her cardiologist who went over the autopsy with us and told us the perfect condition of her heart and its repairs.
Gwen is a success story for congenital heart defect. Like so many of these kids, she was going to have a long road ahead of her - but she was going to, for the most part, be just fine. More surgeries were unavoidable, but as she grew she'd get stronger and more able to handle them... so the risks were going to go down as she grew (okay, it wasn't going to be simple...I'm making it sound to simple...but there was so much real HOPE).
I feel as though I'm using her story, her sad story, to raise awareness of how awful CHD is...that babies die from it...."see, look at Gwen." But that's not the truth. Babies die from it, yes. But, Gwen did not.
----
I didn't know where to put this... I wrote it while making the post for today on her blog, but I can't publish it there (everyone will think I'm still grieving really hard, they will try to tell me it wasn't my fault, "guilt is normal but I can't listen to it..." - all loving and kind responses by people who care and want to talk me down of my ledge.... and I don't want to waste CHD awareness on that caring sentiment...And no, I don't think I can handel someone saying I "did the best I could" - really - please, please tell me I can do better than have a child die under my care... please don't say that was the best I could do. I want to keep the focus CHD - not the reality of my story that people can't handle.)
But... here is the truth, so I'm honest somewhere...
Looking back, I just want to fix it. Do things better. Everything. I want to Kangroo care with her more. I want to find out I can fortify her feedings with hind-milk instead of formula sooner rather than later (even as I'm so glad I did learn that at some point- thanks to another heart-mom I met there). I want to make sure I'm with her even longer into the night and arrive earlier in the morning while she is at the hospital.
I don't want the stress to win as we take her home from Philly to Harrisonburg and not soak in how wonderful it was we were taking our sweet Gwenyth home. We were fighting and were stressed because packing took forever and we got lost on our way out of Philly... how could we be fighting in the car with our two sweet girls in the back? I want to keep her protected and safe when she is home. I want to notice and clue in to how sick she is before it's too late.
Real life is so imperfect, moments are everything and hind-sight's 20/20 is cruel. "We don't remember days, we remember moments," so it is said. I remember the moment she was born, vividly. I treasure that moment. I remember the moment when I saw her diaper was not wet enough for how long it had been and yet didn't register yet what that meant. That moment... it lives just as strong in my memory, and it will always be a weight I can't bear, yet can't set down - it's mine to bear - it's chained to me.
One memory will always seep into every good memory I have of my sweet Gwen. One memory will always taunt me and tear at my soul every time I think of her and love her. One memory will never leave me alone... I really meant it when I said I belonged in jail after she died. It was criminal. My instinct didn't kick in. What kind of mom is so caught up in daily life that she misses her "heart-babies" need?
A two-second google search would have clued me in, for a healthy baby, that situation with the diaper, that was a giant red flag and flashing lights. I checked, just the other day, and yes, a two-second google search would have clued me in. What was wrong with me - how did I not tune in to my child's need? I've googled for far less.
We love so imperfectly, deeply but imperfectly. Hind-sight makes it glaringly obvious. But this was more than imperfect - it was criminal.
She is gone because of a virus. Any baby could have got the same virus and left that quickly. We were schooled in that fact by her cardiologist who went over the autopsy with us and told us the perfect condition of her heart and its repairs.
Gwen is a success story for congenital heart defect. Like so many of these kids, she was going to have a long road ahead of her - but she was going to, for the most part, be just fine. More surgeries were unavoidable, but as she grew she'd get stronger and more able to handle them... so the risks were going to go down as she grew (okay, it wasn't going to be simple...I'm making it sound to simple...but there was so much real HOPE).
I feel as though I'm using her story, her sad story, to raise awareness of how awful CHD is...that babies die from it...."see, look at Gwen." But that's not the truth. Babies die from it, yes. But, Gwen did not.
----
I didn't know where to put this... I wrote it while making the post for today on her blog, but I can't publish it there (everyone will think I'm still grieving really hard, they will try to tell me it wasn't my fault, "guilt is normal but I can't listen to it..." - all loving and kind responses by people who care and want to talk me down of my ledge.... and I don't want to waste CHD awareness on that caring sentiment...And no, I don't think I can handel someone saying I "did the best I could" - really - please, please tell me I can do better than have a child die under my care... please don't say that was the best I could do. I want to keep the focus CHD - not the reality of my story that people can't handle.)
But... here is the truth, so I'm honest somewhere...
Looking back, I just want to fix it. Do things better. Everything. I want to Kangroo care with her more. I want to find out I can fortify her feedings with hind-milk instead of formula sooner rather than later (even as I'm so glad I did learn that at some point- thanks to another heart-mom I met there). I want to make sure I'm with her even longer into the night and arrive earlier in the morning while she is at the hospital.
I don't want the stress to win as we take her home from Philly to Harrisonburg and not soak in how wonderful it was we were taking our sweet Gwenyth home. We were fighting and were stressed because packing took forever and we got lost on our way out of Philly... how could we be fighting in the car with our two sweet girls in the back? I want to keep her protected and safe when she is home. I want to notice and clue in to how sick she is before it's too late.
Real life is so imperfect, moments are everything and hind-sight's 20/20 is cruel. "We don't remember days, we remember moments," so it is said. I remember the moment she was born, vividly. I treasure that moment. I remember the moment when I saw her diaper was not wet enough for how long it had been and yet didn't register yet what that meant. That moment... it lives just as strong in my memory, and it will always be a weight I can't bear, yet can't set down - it's mine to bear - it's chained to me.
One memory will always seep into every good memory I have of my sweet Gwen. One memory will always taunt me and tear at my soul every time I think of her and love her. One memory will never leave me alone... I really meant it when I said I belonged in jail after she died. It was criminal. My instinct didn't kick in. What kind of mom is so caught up in daily life that she misses her "heart-babies" need?
A two-second google search would have clued me in, for a healthy baby, that situation with the diaper, that was a giant red flag and flashing lights. I checked, just the other day, and yes, a two-second google search would have clued me in. What was wrong with me - how did I not tune in to my child's need? I've googled for far less.
We love so imperfectly, deeply but imperfectly. Hind-sight makes it glaringly obvious. But this was more than imperfect - it was criminal.
One moment and I didn't stop the train and alter which tracks we were on... I was supposed to make a switch, get on route to the doctor, then and there... that was my chance. I could have given her some Hope. Instead I just kept barreling foward in regular-life mode... I took note, I wondered about it, but why didn't I go one tiny step further... why didn't I stop the train for a moment and get on google and try to rule out any slight concern I had... Where was my mind that morning? What was wrong with me?
And this train of thought goes on believe me- that was the beginning of several different "moments of decisions" where I chose the wrong thing. All moments now chained to every wonderful and sweet memory I have of the baby I no longer can hold...
So writing on Gwen's blog for CHD awareness only stirs this all up and makes me so aware of the reality - it demands to be acknowledged. And, don't get me wrong, I'm okay. I really am. I even hope and plan to one day talk about what all mama's need to know so no one makes the mistakes I made - over-there on Gwen's blog.
I'm okay up here on this ledge - I'm at an amicable place with it - it's part of all that happend, it's not going to go away, it's not going to change, time won't talk me down to a place with less tension. It is what it is. Things I will always wish I did differently, things that will always cause me to feel unending frustration with that person I was in those moments... I lost my baby and those moments contributed - there is no other way to square it. But I can live with even that- because again, what choice do I have?
None.
I'm here. All that really happened. And time is moving on. Life doesn't really care about how I feel about what's behind me and frankly it will keep handing me stuff whether I feel "ready" for it or not. Process schmocess. So - yes - live with it, that's the bottom line... carry it and just keep trying to keep up with life and for God's sake, learn from what I now carry...
Part of learning is to admit the truth. And I do.
And for now, I had to be real somewhere. I feel so false on Gwen's blog... I had to be real and honest about the truth somewhere.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Hi. How are you today, old friend?
And the weight of care, the balance tipped again.
Nothing horrible, just one more person I care so much about, who is dealing with a little bit of heavy stuff - normal, life stuff... but he is my brother. The only one have besides my in-laws. I'm close with him. I care about him. He is only two years older. We grew up together. His weight is mine, even as I'm supposed to have good boundaries.
He will be fine. It's just his job and crappy stuff. He is the most caring, dedicated, responsible person I know. He's worked so hard to get where he is; a military academy undergrad (back surgery caused him not to be commissioned). He joined the Peace Corp. He worked for USAID. Then he went to a excellent grad school and now has debt piled up to pay off. So he joined the corporate world so he could tackle the debt.
He just is in a job that isn't the best fit for him, it's just not him - and it is starting to be apparent all-around. It just sucks the way it is going down - his boss, this woman who from his description is pretty cold and hard-edged, actually put him on "parole" - and I want to punch her in the face. My brother is an amazing person and it pisses me off that she doesn't see that. He has a baby on the way too - their first. He doesn't need this now.
But he'll be fine. I just care a lot about him and hate this for him right now. I can't help it, I am taking it probably too personally - and it is affecting me. But I'll be okay too. But, really - not this too, come on world - can't anything just be boring and possibly simple over here? Anything?
So I have to go to the grocery store an it is almost 10:00. I'm not close to being done on my project for Gwen with the Friday deadline. My baby sitter canceled today - so that was that. Couldn't inch forward. I only left Lil's room at 8:45... we are getting better at getting her to bed earlier - but tonight was on the later side of better, she was so awake for some reason - maybe over-tired probably. Can't win. If she naps she won't fall asleep till 10 or 11:00. If she doesn't sometimes she is over-tired at night and won't settle. So my small evening is getting smaller as I type.
But for now, I just re-read something on Gwen's blog. It still speaks for me.
http://www.gwenythcarpenter.com/2010/07/raging-lunitic.html
I realize the house I was walking around in - I'm still in it... and it has new wings and new floors for each person lost. I'm now resigned to it. There is less panic. I'm strolling through now - I am becoming used to feeling constantly horrible just underneath the person I play in real life (or work very hard at playing...).
It's my friend now. Grief. It's like - oh, yea, it's you. Hi. How are you today...and yea this stinks. So what's on the plan today - am I going to find the guilt raising up in me, the anger, the frustration, am I going to play over in my head thoughts of M, will I begin to get to W? Will I just bump around from one thing to the next?
What about Lil today? When for the first time I as far as I can recall, she pretended I was Lil, taking care of the little baby she was pretending to be - she said; "Pretend Gwenyth was still here, and I'm Gwen and your Lillian." And she pretended to be a baby practicing how to say "Lillian."
What do you do with the bitter sweetness of that now...now that I can actually let myself feel it for a moment. I played along. I love her comfort with remembering and thinking about Gwen. But is does well...I love it. I wouldn't trade it. I don't want her not to do it... So what do you do?
You chop wood and carry water and see the knife in your gut and say, oh yea, it's you...how are you today?
Grocery store, here I come.
Nothing horrible, just one more person I care so much about, who is dealing with a little bit of heavy stuff - normal, life stuff... but he is my brother. The only one have besides my in-laws. I'm close with him. I care about him. He is only two years older. We grew up together. His weight is mine, even as I'm supposed to have good boundaries.
He will be fine. It's just his job and crappy stuff. He is the most caring, dedicated, responsible person I know. He's worked so hard to get where he is; a military academy undergrad (back surgery caused him not to be commissioned). He joined the Peace Corp. He worked for USAID. Then he went to a excellent grad school and now has debt piled up to pay off. So he joined the corporate world so he could tackle the debt.
He just is in a job that isn't the best fit for him, it's just not him - and it is starting to be apparent all-around. It just sucks the way it is going down - his boss, this woman who from his description is pretty cold and hard-edged, actually put him on "parole" - and I want to punch her in the face. My brother is an amazing person and it pisses me off that she doesn't see that. He has a baby on the way too - their first. He doesn't need this now.
But he'll be fine. I just care a lot about him and hate this for him right now. I can't help it, I am taking it probably too personally - and it is affecting me. But I'll be okay too. But, really - not this too, come on world - can't anything just be boring and possibly simple over here? Anything?
So I have to go to the grocery store an it is almost 10:00. I'm not close to being done on my project for Gwen with the Friday deadline. My baby sitter canceled today - so that was that. Couldn't inch forward. I only left Lil's room at 8:45... we are getting better at getting her to bed earlier - but tonight was on the later side of better, she was so awake for some reason - maybe over-tired probably. Can't win. If she naps she won't fall asleep till 10 or 11:00. If she doesn't sometimes she is over-tired at night and won't settle. So my small evening is getting smaller as I type.
But for now, I just re-read something on Gwen's blog. It still speaks for me.
http://www.gwenythcarpenter.com/2010/07/raging-lunitic.html
I realize the house I was walking around in - I'm still in it... and it has new wings and new floors for each person lost. I'm now resigned to it. There is less panic. I'm strolling through now - I am becoming used to feeling constantly horrible just underneath the person I play in real life (or work very hard at playing...).
It's my friend now. Grief. It's like - oh, yea, it's you. Hi. How are you today...and yea this stinks. So what's on the plan today - am I going to find the guilt raising up in me, the anger, the frustration, am I going to play over in my head thoughts of M, will I begin to get to W? Will I just bump around from one thing to the next?
What about Lil today? When for the first time I as far as I can recall, she pretended I was Lil, taking care of the little baby she was pretending to be - she said; "Pretend Gwenyth was still here, and I'm Gwen and your Lillian." And she pretended to be a baby practicing how to say "Lillian."
What do you do with the bitter sweetness of that now...now that I can actually let myself feel it for a moment. I played along. I love her comfort with remembering and thinking about Gwen. But is does well...I love it. I wouldn't trade it. I don't want her not to do it... So what do you do?
You chop wood and carry water and see the knife in your gut and say, oh yea, it's you...how are you today?
Grocery store, here I come.
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