Is winning.
I'm seriously "behind" in life. I have things I must do and things going on, simple things, normal life things...but stuff that is for me, even too much - it's traveling, returning, traveling again soon, family visiting here, empty garden beds that will fill with weeds again this year if I don't finally decide what to plant where...)
And for all this I just feel totally done. I am so beat-down exhausted and it is manifesting itself by me wanting to get away from EVERYONE. It's really not good. I have several phone calls and probably 10-20 e-mails that I really need to reply to...
And I'm only getting more buried because each day I get nothing done but normal life and yet keep going to bed WAY too late. .. really. bad. cycle, here.
So for now....I'm just going to come here to scream - I really did loose an entire year of my life and oddly only now I'm "feeling it" - now I MISS her in a more physical way, I'm horrifed at the never again-ness of M - and soon I have to face being at the family lake house where we had such a great time with W last year, despite it all... and I'll be with a family who I know, won't talk about these losses....which drives me crazy.
Why now I'm feeling her "goneness" more vividly -I don't get it - but it seems to be always, always, always on my mind that my baby died, my baby died, my little baby died...she was here, she had a heart-defect and then we didn't even get a chance to give her that kind of life...whatever that was going to be - she was born...and so many babies are born all the time- and I lost mine, I'm that one, the one who's baby died... and I'm just angry that I don't have my two little girls anymore - and I am frustrated by my own self, as I beat myself up by wondering "how would you have done two kids anyway - you are failing at one - she is totally wearing you thin and you are so frustrated with all the challenges inherent in raising a "strong-willed" little girl - what would it be like if you had two kids who wanted your attention every single second of the day?"
I'm in a crappy place right now where I can't breath and I can't decide where to begin on my "to do list" - I can't type fast enough to really think anything out here, so I need to stop wasting time here -
I'm just so tired of the energy it takes to be what the world needs... especially in a world with sweet new babies in the family and more on the way and a baby shower I'm planning for my sis-in-law - I'm happy to do it - don't get me wrong, but right now I'm totally, totally fine with just not knowing anyone or anything right now that is part of my daily life - and yet my daily life keeps hanging around - not letting me just be.
I'm tired of people and their opinions - the questions about me working (as in having a "job" that I get paid for) and all the implications implied (I got a birthday card from my Aunt and I am about to just not talk to anyone anymore - I'm tired of feeling like I have to defend my choices - NO - I stopped teaching part-time when Gwen was born and I'm standing by that. It DOES NOT mean I'm not "moving on" - it means I made a decision about teaching for A LOT of reasons and I'm happy, for now, with that decision FOR A LOT of reasons. I DO NOT find it easier to be a "stay-at-home" mom - and I don't think it would be "better" if I "went back" to my job -THERE IS NO "EASY" in this and guess what - I have "moved on" - you don't get a choice people...I'm not an idiot - I have a child to raise, I don't get any choices here - I've "moved on" and if I do anything at all with any time once I get some things squared away from my "former life" then I hope to do something useful for kids, sick kids or grieving kids - and I don't need a "job"
But I'm not the only one - daily life is hard in different ways for everyone. I need to just drop it and get on with it. I know better than to get caught up in just what is probably simply being really, really tired.... so let's just say that... I am really, really, really, tired and don't have the energy for anything anymore.... and Time is walking all over that.
