And its official

Three losses is too damn much.

Happy Birthday Marie.

I'm not allowed to share it - because you are only my sister in law.

But I miss you.

Was it my fault?

Had I gone to the emergency room on Thursday night wold everything have been okay? I knew better but I let him talk me down.

But I knew better. 

Did I kill two people.

Then three? 

Did our toxic marriage do all this??? 

Chop wood.

Carry water.

There is endless wood.

We need water. Constantly.

"Life is a game made for everyone."

And I'm so bad at it.

The grass is growing every second.

Thousands of decisions ...

Swirl.

Wait and beg for decision.

And I forget.

I am weak and forget. 

Everything is a decision.

Everything. 

("This house is falling apart."

"How can I be an optimists about it?")

It's the only damn choice.

Because I have little souls in my life. Ones that I brought here.

And they are so fresh and beautiful.

They find delight.

Even in chopping wood.

Even in carrying water

Their optimism always

Always

Always

Surfaces.

But I know.

I am close to sinking it. 

I need to keep my eyes open. 

Now. Fast. And every moment.

It's the turning point. 

"Somehow we keep marching on"

Never has a song been played twice so close together.

And still I doubt. 

I need to write.

But life. Full of good things and so much beautiful sadness deeper into my soul, horrible sadness...

Life these days is too busy.

I write all the time. But it never makes its way here. 

I need to write. 

I want it to be

I want it to be that time can pause

And I can step out

And maybe not step back in again.

Reality.

The mocking.

I see it again.

But longer in to grief...

I know beauty too,

Calling out

The beauty is no trying to mock

It is the only thing

Of sure goodness 

And the only reflection we have

Of eternity 

Of a beautiful dawn

The only comfort

Even if by juxtaposition

In the harsh

Everchanging world 

Something opened it up...

Funny.

How it lives there. Always.

I am truly always fighting it.

And it's funny.

The triggers.

A piece of music I never heard before.

I'm sure the pristine, beautiful day adds to it.

the birds, chirping adding so much sweetness to the world...

And I can hear the screams.

 Did you know I screamed that day?

It was screams.

And I can still hear them. I can feel them still in me...from my gut, screams

And I still want to go back and tell them to keep trying (I didn't know enough to tell them that).

And I still want to go back and scream more (I could never get it all out).

My baby.

Was lifeless before my eyes.

We went to meet her when her helicopter landed.

She was supposed to get on the helicopter.

We were going to drive (like bats of of hell, I'm sure. Dazed and stunned but determined to get there).

Instead I saw the entrance to the hospital the other day.

It was the same one almost eight years ago now we walked out of with our new baby, our first child...

Joyfulness and the healthy, dazed fear of new parents in the cold December...

It was the same one we couldn't get into fast enough (we ran into one antother trying to figure out which door to go in...)

It was the same one we walked out of into the bright sunshine

without our baby.

I didn't know she was that ill.

How did I not know??

How then did we loose another so loved one the same day?

Sometimes, I hear the screams again - that mother screaming. Sobbing. Without any control.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrZm5k1xnyg

https://itun.es/us/VHPkJ?i=589994105

Pain

Seeing people let you down. A group of people doing something amazing and falling apart over failed interpersonal relations... 

A situation where no one made the right choices  but my heart knows the side to choose...it's the one in hell.

A family member who I will never not be at ends with.

Who dared offer a philosophical stab about how if not that then not A.

The conundrum I struggle to breath under everyday actually spoken out loud as if some sort of of intriguing and special way to to make the death of my child be the why behind the existence of my third.

No.

They are not allowed to touch.

For some that works.

Not for me. And it should have been known.

I'm looking at the place where we had her service.

I want to go back and be real.

I want to loose my composure and have everyone see me die as we look at the beautiful little box that holds the autopsied body of my tiny baby girl. 

The one everyone touted as a miracle and a living breathing example of answered prayers.

Yea that.

Then we jumped in our cars and went to burn the body of one of the most special persons I will ever know.

It was a celebration of her life. Her life that ended at the bottom of cliff...

I don't blame W.

Even the shortest lifetime with this kind of pain is too long.

And I'm fine. I'm always fine. 

But it's such a beautiful, perfect spring day... 

And my mind is bringing all back ... I'm knee deep and have no choice but to let it all be real... This is what I really feel like about that day... I ache to my core and five years later want to just be left alone b/c I'm so tired of the world and exhausted by everything. 

And always the longing to get it right, to fix it...it tugs at me...

And you must know, I understand clearly if I fix it ... then I undo another love here... 

It feels like wishing him away, the struggle  of wishing I hadn't failed her...

And life goes on...

It always does...

And it's always just fatigue...

 

Love this song, it says it all...

"...take me where the angels are close at hand...where courage doesn't' have a name"

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYwh02xjKL0

Add disappointment in people to my heart marking the anniversary of today...maybe I'll channel it all well and get my house clean! I have a lot to do!!

How.

My heart and soul still wonder how - how did all that happen? On a beautiful spring day like today.

Today is a beautiful spring day. Of that I am sure and I have let my grief work through me early... now I will keep breathing in and try to lift up from here. That was then. Today is now. I have all that is now and I will stay focused here... safely here.