And its official

Three losses is too damn much.

Happy Birthday Marie.

I'm not allowed to share it - because you are only my sister in law.

But I miss you.

Was it my fault?

Had I gone to the emergency room on Thursday night wold everything have been okay? I knew better but I let him talk me down.

But I knew better. 

Did I kill two people.

Then three? 

Did our toxic marriage do all this??? 

Chop wood.

Carry water.

There is endless wood.

We need water. Constantly.

"Life is a game made for everyone."

And I'm so bad at it.

The grass is growing every second.

Thousands of decisions ...

Swirl.

Wait and beg for decision.

And I forget.

I am weak and forget. 

Everything is a decision.

Everything. 

("This house is falling apart."

"How can I be an optimists about it?")

It's the only damn choice.

Because I have little souls in my life. Ones that I brought here.

And they are so fresh and beautiful.

They find delight.

Even in chopping wood.

Even in carrying water

Their optimism always

Always

Always

Surfaces.

But I know.

I am close to sinking it. 

I need to keep my eyes open. 

Now. Fast. And every moment.

It's the turning point. 

"Somehow we keep marching on"

Never has a song been played twice so close together.

And still I doubt. 

I need to write.

But life. Full of good things and so much beautiful sadness deeper into my soul, horrible sadness...

Life these days is too busy.

I write all the time. But it never makes its way here. 

I need to write.