All the old mixed with the new.

The more things change the more they remain the same.

And it is those closest to you that get to you the most. And that was true before now. And now.  Now.

Now, normal life is in full swing. Nothing "bad" is gong on. It's just normal life and I am all shot nerves and annoyed. Family gatherings, husbands and their, shall we say, quirks... I'm putting it uber, uber really, super-lightly there...

No peace anywhere. Just relationships full of complications. I am so done with it. I want out. But you don't get to choose your family and marriage, well, we have kids - so stay we must.

Lovely.

Poor Lil. That's all I can say. Poor sweet thing - between genetics and "environment" and Life. Poor thing. "Is this a curse or a blessing that we give?" I'm not sure.

All of the normal, "small" challenges in life and love are still here -they don't curl tail and run away just because life hands you bigger problems. Instead, it all gets mixed into the whole mess. Oh, it's lovely.

Yep. The more things change. I recall all this - everything that is in my head now, before.... 

Family. I'm not so sure anymore. At this point, I can't honestly say I recommenced it. I really can't.

Sorry. I'm super cynical right now - it's reached new heights (I mean you can only take so much) and I think I'm going to have to just stay in my head for a while... be gone from even here. If I can just get through each day with some grace and dignity. And so far, that only happens when I stay away from the computer and all my thoughts and everything... and just try to keep up with normal life, like it, hate it, or just be neutralized to it all for the sake of sanity...

I guess cynical isn't neutral exactly. But for Lil's sake I'll keep forcing the dial in that direction. Because neutral would be me at my best right now.

Videos are working on Gwen's blog

In the blog posts here: Gwen's Birthday post and here: My post leading up to her birthday the videos are at last, up and running for good. (long day, man, this stuff takes a LOT of time to do. But worth it. I wanted to share the little bits we have - I needed to. It's good. But oh yea, it's also so hard).

Hello; Happy, Elated/Sad, isolated feelings soaking in my soul

Oh the confusion.

I am so happy today.

A cousin was born today. She is so beautiful. Really - one of those babies that has such perfect features, even just after birth.

I'm not that "close" with her mama. We are second or third cousins. And we didn't grow up seeing each other all that much (which is too bad, we only lived an hour away). But I have no first cousins - so I appreciate this one of the handful I do have...and she even lives not to far away now, in our "grown-up" lives...we saw her this weekend even, when in D.C.  - So even as we don't really talk much or hang out much - her baby is so exciting to me, I'm really so happy to see her little face as she is announced on facebook and can't wait to see more photos and follow her as she grows up.

And I want to tell her mama also - that she had the same due date as Gwen and now, the "due date" it's her birthday (more or less, April 8th was the due dates). This could have been Gwen's birthday a year ago (let's be honest here, since I can here in this little place (hopefully hidden place, from anyone who knows me in real life) of mine, it should have been, and she should have been just as healthy).

However, for this new baby cousin to be born today, is a good thing - is a sign of a blessing in my eyes! But, in the "real" world, it just - well, no one wants to hear about your dead baby, the one with the heart defect - so I'll keep it all to myself - how Gwen's connection to today blesses it. And is sad too. Things like this are the reason the term bitter-sweet was invented.

I hope, also (and don't like that I feel this way) but now that my cousin holds her - that she maybe knows what we lost, finally - and I'm not looking at all for sympathy - but it would be nice to be seen, if that makes sense, and for Gwen's loss to be a little more real for people other than us, (and of course I know it's real to a few close family and dear friends, - one friend who even put her picture on her fridge...it brought tears to my eyes - that's a real friend!).

We are supposed to carry each other and I know I am being carried - I know it to shame honestly, and to complete humbleness ... but, let me just say... even so... it's sad when some (and I'm not even speaking so much of this cousin who just had a baby) but how some people in your own family are not the ones who are there for you. I don't understand it. I'm sure I never will.

So I'll quietly have extra sadness for Gwen today - even as I also LOVE that her cousin's birthday is today. It is wonderful, but only to me, and as I said, also well, I lament that my baby girl didn't get to be an April baby last year. And here, with people I hope won't judge me, I'll say it - the bitter-sweetness that I wish I could speak openly about... and then try to lay it down here and move on.

Waiting. It's a good thing, child-bearing women.

What I almost wrote to a cousin on facebook. What I want to write to SO many people...

"I know...the last little stretch is oddly the longest. But, know, she will be here when she is ready and that's a really good thing... you want her to be the best she can be - even if it may be asking a LOT from you. Healthy babies are worth every second of wait. And this long waiting time will fall away into oblivion once she is in your arms. <3 "

But I know. They don't want to hear it. No one wants to be preached to and I know - the "just world theory" is everyone's best friend (even if they aren't aware). It's pervasive and a way of surviving because no one wants to know what I know... and will never "un-know" (and sometimes still doubt as I fall victim to "just world" theory myself).

WHY can't people be excited that their baby is staying where they need to be as long as they need - the assumption being, they aren't READY yet to be born, if you aren't in labor yet.

I didn't get to let Gwen wait - and all I wanted, desperately was to let her come when she was ready and not have to induce her out at 37 weeks. But her life was on the line, so there wasn't a question that I wouldn't do it, of course.

And YES. I couldn't imagine how I did it before, with Lil, and how I would have handled more than 37 weeks - I was uncomfortable like everyone else - but honestly that, comparatively, with a healthy child no-less- that is the easiest parenting "issue" I've ever faced. Hand's down.

Come one people. Imagine for a moment you had no choice and couldn't carry your baby as long as the baby decided he/she needed. Be HAPPY for every day of your healthy, normal, pregnancy which yes, includes lots of WAIT.

Waiting is a LUXURY of a woman carrying a healthy baby.

And I won't even go into what it's like for the "Baby-loss" mom's I know who had to wait for an unhealthy baby (not all at "at risk" babies are induced. So if you are waiting and find your self frustrated, imagine waiting of your baby knowing they may not make it once they are born...).

So, really. Stop. Stop and love your big belly and know - it is the most simple parenting will ever get.

No middle ground (but I'm trying to stand there)

I'm swallowed up in sadness....I am trying. I'm trying so hard. This is me trying. And I fail. I don't know if I'm dealing with hormones or some subconscious thing I don't know about... but I seem to have floods welled up inside - when I finally can't hold it in - they pour - there is no distinction between one tear and the next - it's a steady flow.

But I'm trying to do things. I have dinner to cook now (and have to run out, of course, to the grocery store). Tomorrow we are going to museums in D.C. - we will have SO MUCH FUN. I will leave this alllll behind for a day...

But the moments - when I do stop - and am free of child-care - just seep sadness...

I know I'm not supposed to judge myself...but I do. I should be stronger than this. I'm choosing to wallow. But I miss them. I want them back. I don't like any of this. I want my baby back in my arms - instead all I have is a salt water face. I want them all back in our lives....

Time is going to fast - I need a moment. Just a moment. But I know, that's a lie. Nothing will ever give cause for this to settle fully... and in time I'm promised I'll become accustom, I'll equalize and reach "equilibrium" with this because that is the human condition - to adapt, in part and in whole - every little bit, will be "normal" -heck, I'll even douse "meaning" into it all (human condition, again).

I am a full human now... I live in full reality - of death. Of complete end. I want the other life back, where I "knew it" on a totally different level - one I can't recall or verbalize anymore. I sure didn't think I or my children were invincible, epically my second child with a literal broken-heart - but somehow - unless you tread here, you have some special buffer. Bliss. Ignorance truly is. But, I wouldn't have wanted them not in my life - but I don't want them gone now either. And I don't get a middle ground to stand on - there is no middle ground between life and death (maybe Faith is...and yea, sure, serve me up one of those cause the alternative is more horrible...).

Well. All I can say is at least the sun is coming out as I rant here. I had a little bit of wine to try to beat down some of the panic and tension that seemed to be building up in me by the end of today... and thank God for wine - it seems to help release some "stuff" - it's good. I almost can sleep now....if I had time, I could just finally let go and fall asleep in an instant. And so at the same time the sun seems to finally be deciding to pour out from behind the clouds - just before it sets. I like an evening like this... even if today failed. I can even laugh at myself. Oh mess. What a mess I am. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow. I'll try again tomorrow. For now, let's just torch today and be done with it.