Longing...

Last night... I had such longing to go from Lil's room to mine and have Myers there holding her - to have her handed to me- to feel her weight in my arms - to nurse her and hold her and fall asleep with her there on my chest... the overwhelmed exhaustion of a mommy of two needy, wonderful, wonderful children. I longed, so much to go from one to the other. But there was no other....I would not walk out of that door into another quiet, dark room, with my other sweet child waiting to fill my arms...

and I keep seeing Marie (my sis-in-law) everywhere I look when I'm out and about. But I'll never run into her arms again. And...I have real things to do...no time to spend on this...

Rock and hard place. Life and its demands and pain and its relentlessness. My heart soaks it up, but when and where do I squeeze it out....it would take days, weeks, months and years of nothing but - or it will take that long, because I can only spend time here and there, relieving my heavy heart and by the time I return to it again, it's saturated again...

It is so heavy. I'm so tired.

But I loved them - and I am tied to that love now in pain. I can't set it down or will it away. Because it is part of the love.

And Grief has so many faces - so many moods - so much to say and push through my heart.... and I am at mercy to it less I kill my humanity.

And here- for this moment....by typing and dumping here, I've released some of the heaviness upon my heart...down the drain with some of the emotion welling up.... so I can get up from here and be in my life again... for a little while... on borrowed time. And life, of course, is not ALL bad, I can still see my blessings - rather clearly so through tears, actually - but even so it is hard, just life, day to day life...there while I'm holding such heavy thoughts.... so that is all... I'm unbalanced now....walking forward can be done...just not super easily and not without a price, because it all wells back up again until I can't hold it anymore. What a pattern... oh what a hell.

"[Anyone] can face a crisis, it's the day to day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov.

Magnify that truth in grief and you see me and my husband and everyone else with any degree of grief. Blah.