"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
- the Tin Man
I knew it was coming.
Why does the fact that it really is here....
March.
one year later.
How can it be this bad feeling?
It is late. Too late at night. Almost 3:00 a.m for goodness sake. I've been going non-stop on too many projects (okay, except for when I burn out and get negative things done in every area of my life...). But really, I've been bone weary with several things - trying to inch forward - too many things on my heart and in life... no balance possible.
So it really is too late to spend a moment here...this late, nothing good will come - I'm going to feel worse simply because of how tired I am... so I won't take this all too seriously...
But I'm stunned to see how March, just seeing it really here - affected me...
I've even been planning for this month. I wrote ahead on my kitchen calendar, her birthday - I decorated with clovers and hearts in our entrance way, today we did a centerpiece on our table with "Gwen things" (Lil made an angel of of bristle blocks - I LOVE this girl). I've been thinking long and hard on how to "celebrate" her birthday, how to honor her life in some meaningful way.
Yet as I head to bed and notice "Heart Awareness Month" is over (and I didn't get all that I wanted up on her blog) and I see the month, the letters spelling it out, March...I see the date telling me today it begins...
Her life here with me will soon be over-written. Starting in 17 days.
My time carrying her inside me is almost entirely over-written...
This time last year we were packing to move to Philly. We moved on the 4th or something like that. I remember it like it's still happening.
I can cope. I can push it all somewhere. I can remind myself this is love. The pain is love. That's all it is. So it's okay...
But God.
She is not here. I can't celebrate her first birthday with her. God, it hurts.
The heart seems to be so simple.
Made only to love and that is it.
This whole thing - it doesn't understand. Where, where is this baby, this little girl I love so much??? My heart doesn't understand and never will.
It just never will. I think March 1st will always hurt a little... a new year without. A confusion of the Hope of Spring. A clash.
Today, while walking out in the warm rain with Lil, I saw a daffodil just about to pop. The daffodils were in bloom in Philly. My little girl was soon to be born there. Spring would greet me in full force when we at last, left for home, with our two little girls...
I forgot however, that spring is fickle. Warm one day, chill and dreary the next. I remember wanting the warm weather to stay, to "kick-in" for good... now I can hardly recall, did summer even happen? How is it March? It was just March...
But here I am. And the daffodils are going to bloom again. Like nothing ever happened.
----
And I'm fine. I'm okay. I get it. This is just how it is now. This is.
I'm used to the breaking. The shattering. It's old-hat now and I'm a pro. It happens and then I just pick up the pieces again and keep walking on...
but it sucks. I just want her... I'm tired of always knowing how impractical hearts are....
Hey Laurie, you ok? You've been quiet recently...
ReplyDeleteJ xx
Thanks for checking on me... I almost posted another ramble not long ago, but accidentally put it on Gwen's blog and thankfully noticed it before it had been up too long... but I just felt so self-conscience that I just stepped back...
ReplyDeleteRight now I'm getting through my days, but I'm so sad... I feel like I'm back at square one. St. Patty's day is her first birthday...I didn't know it would be like this... I mean I kept hearing "anniversaries are hard.." and yea. Turns out that is the truth. No matter how much you know it's coming - it doesn't matter...
I remember everything from this time last year - and miss her so much... and what happened to my sis-in-law seems to be becoming more real - as if some part of me suddenly figured that one out...
Thanks for checking in... I'm so not quiet in my head...yet I can't seem to find the words (or time, I did finish a big project last week that was Gwen related and I was burned out and done after that)...
But for this week, it may be all I have is just a lot of tears...maybe that's how this first anniversary is going to be (mostly when Lil isn't looking of course - I'm going to be all celebratory with Lillian).
I really hope to get some things I have in my mind up on her blog... videos and other things... that's my goal. But it is so hard...I went through some videos today (and I already wasn't doing well). So...I did kinda do this to myself by looking at videos, but at that same time, it was so good to see her...but it does undo me and leave me pretty messed up - a lot of the affects of seeing her in videos is all below conscience level too, I think, I suspect....
Ugghh. I'm tired of myself. In the end I feel like I should be doing better than this... ugh.
You're kind Jackie. Thank you. :)
There is something unique about the kindness of strangers... so thank you. It helps...
You’re right about the strangers thing. I think it’s because you know it’s genuine. Strangers can walk away at any time. There’s no sense of ‘duty’ which you might suspect with a family member or close friend.
ReplyDeleteMy losses are nowhere near yours, but my own experience is that the anticipation of sad anniversaries is far far worse than the actual day itself. Keep the day simple and achievable. You’ll get through it. You are allowed to cry, I’d be worried if you don’t! Be kind to yourself, and accepting of your emotions. It’s all normal.... try not to berate yourself and think you ‘should’ be doing better. There’s no time limit on grief. No rules, no deadlines, no expectations. You have to go at your own pace, regardless of those around you and how they’re doing.
Take good care.
Jackie
Just a thought, if it makes me any less of a stranger, my blog is here: http://dog-hair-in-my-dinner.blogspot.com/ It's very bland, more a diary of a dull and uneventful existance than anything else.
ReplyDeleteI did...I went to your blog a few times already :) - you are less of a stranger - I didn't even like calling you that there...it's not the right word at all. I do feel like you are a friend actually. And I loved your blog but, time - arrrggghhh time is not my friend- I didn't have time to spend to comment like I'd like to - but it was great to "meet you" over there. ...and I will be back to your blog sometime and I'll try to actually let you know that I stopped by :) And, I liked your blog, just FYI - didn't find it bland at all :)
ReplyDeleteAnd now I just read your sweet note above, above. Thank you...and yes, simple and achievable are the perfect parameters - that's it. I need to repeat that over and over.
ReplyDeleteAnd yea, there is something about a "friend" :) like you who - an online person that I don't suspect the sense of duty - that is it, you so nailed it I think. That is what is appreciated. I'd be amiss to say my friends here haven't held me up so much, and genuinely I'm sure...but at the same time, yea, what you said, so thank you - the genuineness...the taking time to bother to read and comment when when I'm some random person and yea...thank you :).
Bless you, friend!!
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday Gwenyth!
Just popped in to say I'm thinking of you today Laura, and Myers and Lilian too as you remember your special one. I hope your day goes OK, and you are able to share some of the good memories as well as the sad ones.
How are things going? I know you're busy on Gwen's blog and with other stuff too. Just want to be sure you're OK after Gwen's birthday last week. Sometimes you can be so ready for the actual day itself that the day after comes as a bit of a shock.
ReplyDeleteTake care.
J xx
p.s. don't worry about commenting on my blog, I only showed it to you because it was easier than telling you about me. There's nothing much there to comment on anyway!
:) Hi Jackie! I did okay - it was all good. And I kept it simple and it was perfect. And the days after...were okay too. Then we had my husbands brother visit us (he's looking at colleges and we were trying to help). SO, I was really busy with that directly after her wonderful birthday... I find myself crashing a little bit these days...but I guess I had to come back down at some point. But I'm keeping afloat more or less... Thank you. <3
ReplyDeleteOh - and Thank you so much for the note for Gwen's birthday! :) :) :)
ReplyDelete