Cheers!

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” M. A. Radmacher

 

In this case, next Mothers Day.  I'll "try again" then.

 

Thankfully, I celebrated with Lil yesterday - we had a nice, good day, the whole family. I only lost it once - and is was about a good thing - a friend messaged my husband to let us know, Gwen's plaque is there, by her tree at the arboretum.  And I was so happy...and so sad. 

Today. Let's call it failure all around. 

But, for the most part, no one knows. Except my poor husband - and probably Lil. But she's also probably used to mama being a little crazy. 

I remember her last year. I remember being a mother of two last mothers day.

This day, this year, as I know she only has five more days starting tomorrow and the fifth is not even a full day - and let's not mention M... who also, lived only five more days after this Sunday...

Friday is the day - even as the fourteenth is the date.... I know this Friday as my black Friday. I remember so well, that it was a Friday. And I know it was this Friday in May. Every cell in my body remembers - no matter how much Faith I have or Peace that passes all understanding flows - I'm human, that's all I ever seem to be - and believe me, I'm so completely, utterly human, I bore myself - and none of those enchanting words of inspiration and Faith can touch the memories that I can't repress if I wanted to -

I'm not well. I admit it - I am on Vodka and OJ - all day- I'm standing, heck, I'm typing, and well and fast... so I'm consider myself drinking wisely - but oh, I'm trying to modify my freaking outness - I'm trying to stay clam and it's the only way I know how.  I'm trying to be strong. I'll do better tomorrow - I won't drink. It's not a holiday tomorrow- so I can't (see, I have standards?). And I have my dance class and God, a performance coming up (am I NUTS?). So, I gotta reign this all in - but today, I failed - and next mothers day - maybe then, I'll do better. But not this year.