"I found myself wondering today
Why do some go and some stay
Do each of our hearts know their way
Through valleys of sorrow and tears
Across oceans of longing and years
And the sound of it all in my ears" - Mary Chapin Carpenter
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"Last night I dreamed of icy cliffs
Standing on the precipice
I leaned to see just where the edge would take me
The wind came up, I closed my eyes
I heard a shout and to my surprise
A hand reached out and pulled me back to safety
What's a hand, what's a dream
Who can say what it means
When everything that you know
Can disappear
Don't look back, the spirits cry
Just be glad to be alive
Everything that you love is right here
Everything that you love:" - Mary Chapin Carpenter
How can I ever capture it all... so much goodness in our lives - new nieces and nephews and health all-around minus a few concerns and the normal life things... time has moved on and I promised to stay offline to get my life in better order even as I kinda of laugh at myself - really? Do I really think I'm gonna actually accomplish that and why? I'm the biggest cynic I've ever met but I'm not allowed to give in completely because, well I have this little girl, who through some miracle is still here with me (again, I'm not joking - cynic -) and this little girl takes my breath away and challenges me and well, not to put to much on her, but she is my light and hope - and her childhood is in my hand and it matters to me because, well, mine was good enough and I want that much for her and more if I can do it - whatever is in my power I want for her, because it's my job for now - 'till she is on her own... No one wants a mom as cynical as me, so I can reign it in a little, and it is good to do so - it is only fair to her and everyone around me and probably my soul is relived too.
But I can't record it all, I can't catch this blog up - however, our sadness is, I can only guess from here, going to be our battle forever - and that is just that. It seems to wax and wane, but honestly it feels like is always there, present, unchanging, and just waiting to run through me or my husband and torture our respective souls...
For me, it's that night before, that Thursday night - always a part of me is trying to get back somehow and fix this, all that happened and everything after...
I'm sure of things I did wrong and no one will listen - you start to feel insane as everyone tries to talk you out of the "crazy talk" - because they won't just agree with you and agree that it wasn't unstoppable - it wasn't God, it wasn't part of some big frigging plan beyond my comprehension or imagination... Choices. The wrong ones. We made them. And I had to leave my little baby in a hospital room and walk away from her little body that no longer had life inside and live in this place trying to pretend I'm able to cope and handle it all - but you don't get a choice when something blindsides you.
You have to cope but it's not because I have an ounce of will... I'm so tired of missing people that were here one second and gone the next even as I'm able to fully live and fully love those still here... I'm just tired of having always this part of me that is pulling in the other direction, trying to jump time and get back to that Thursday night... tired of what this sadness feels like and knowing nothing can change what happened now... regret is cruel but I can't cut it loose, it's part of me now and my life now... and I only know that I will make more and more wrong choices again and again... because each new situation is it's own drama... you can't learn a thing in this world except to be a happy cynic if you can, to be content in a cruel world that is trying to kill you and everyone you love. I'm not miserable but I am tired.
And yes, it's a new year but it's hard not to see it as another year of missing and marking the times we lost them - anniversaries of death - two-years is not distance, just new clarity and new ways to miss them. I can only hope I can burn some of this God-forsaken awful energy and do some things that I want to do with it - I have a lot of "projects" in my head - ways to honor her little life and so on... God I hope I can pull it off because so few things matter to me now. Life is simplified for me and that's not a bad thing. And I'm okay, just sometimes I drown in melancholy and ache from pointless agonizing over missing a little girl who would be turning two in March.
Two years old. Lil was two and some change when our second little girl was born. What a wonderful age...
And maybe, just maybe I'll have wasted all this energy grieving so that I won't have the energy to FEAR our Hope for a third child... I promised Lil several times (she asked in various ways and once point blank) that most babies don't die... oh Life, don't make me a liar.
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"A picture postcard
A folded stub
A program of the play
File away your photographs
Of your holiday
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/b/joel+billy/souvenir_20072991.html ]
And your mementos
Will turn to dust
But that's the price you pay
For every year's a souvenir
That slowly fades away
Every year's a souvenir
That slowly fades away"
- Billy Joel
It's good to see you updating Laura, I'm hoping this will publish but I haven't been able to post on your blog for so long now, I don't know why. People say time heals, but not many people have wounds as deep as yours. The scars will always be massive and ugly, and they will always be sore and painful. All you can do is remind yourself that you did what appeared to be the right thing for Gwen at the time. You would never have knowingly done anything to risk her health. With hindsight you can see things that you would now do differently because you know the consequences but at that moment on that Thursday, you didn't know what would happen. Everything after that, Gwen, Marie, Winship, was out of your control or influence.
ReplyDeletePlease, in the middle of everything, try and remind yourself that you are looking back with the benefit of hindsight, and at the time you could not know what would happen. You did what appeared to be right. You could not know what would happen. Give yourself even just the tiniest bit of a break based on that fact.