The Challenge

Sometimes we both, at the same time find ourselves soaked --

We are touchy, snap at our beautiful kids doing what kids do -- testing us -- tempering us and revealing just how weak we are...

I worry --

Does our sadness that seems to always live within -- does that effect our children negatively? Does it come out every day in less obvious way. Are we getting better -- and if so, better at WHAT? Better at feeling less sad? Better at ignoring it? Better at pretending? Better at compartmentalizing? Or is it that we should be doing better and we are failing miserably at weathering this crap -- at being "strong"...

What makes it come to a point like this - today, this week -- where both of us can't seem to escape but instead fall into the pit of it all... and is it self-pity or our we really just human and this is that hard??

I don't know.

Does writing about it help? Or am I giving "it" more power -- the grief/self-pity?

Is it grief or self-pity -- does four years and still having deep malaise that can overpower and "win" and thin out my soul... does four years finding myself still losing to it mean it's become self-pity?

And is the only answer really -- chop wood, carry water.

I think it is.

And sometimes it's a challenge not to judge that. Not to be angry that really - that's it. That's all there every really is -- and if there is more -- God only knows.

If.

And that's it. The now is everything - and the beauty is real - and deep -- and terrifying because none of it is certain beyond now -- and I know, I'm convicted every moment of my frivolity, of how little reverence I live with - how careless I am -- how I know better and yet don't live better -- I know I try, sometimes I can even count the times as try as really trying...

but I know...I complain, I muddle, I am frustrated and tired of it all... tired of the challenge, the clarity of my failure in it... tired of feeling anything anymore. of caring. and knowing caring does nothing.

It's all good. I know I'll get back to a better point of view - but I'm not ever going to be far from being cynical and feeling quite disconnected at best.

And we'll argue and we'll compromise and we'll realize nothings ever changed...

And we'll choose between reality and madness...

How thoughtlessly we dissipate our energies.

The ledges of our lives...

Well. At least I have Billy Joel.

The words. The music. It's something. It helps. It's good.




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyKeAcfjmn0