Pain

Seeing people let you down. A group of people doing something amazing and falling apart over failed interpersonal relations... 

A situation where no one made the right choices  but my heart knows the side to choose...it's the one in hell.

A family member who I will never not be at ends with.

Who dared offer a philosophical stab about how if not that then not A.

The conundrum I struggle to breath under everyday actually spoken out loud as if some sort of of intriguing and special way to to make the death of my child be the why behind the existence of my third.

No.

They are not allowed to touch.

For some that works.

Not for me. And it should have been known.

I'm looking at the place where we had her service.

I want to go back and be real.

I want to loose my composure and have everyone see me die as we look at the beautiful little box that holds the autopsied body of my tiny baby girl. 

The one everyone touted as a miracle and a living breathing example of answered prayers.

Yea that.

Then we jumped in our cars and went to burn the body of one of the most special persons I will ever know.

It was a celebration of her life. Her life that ended at the bottom of cliff...

I don't blame W.

Even the shortest lifetime with this kind of pain is too long.

And I'm fine. I'm always fine. 

But it's such a beautiful, perfect spring day... 

And my mind is bringing all back ... I'm knee deep and have no choice but to let it all be real... This is what I really feel like about that day... I ache to my core and five years later want to just be left alone b/c I'm so tired of the world and exhausted by everything. 

And always the longing to get it right, to fix it...it tugs at me...

And you must know, I understand clearly if I fix it ... then I undo another love here... 

It feels like wishing him away, the struggle  of wishing I hadn't failed her...

And life goes on...

It always does...

And it's always just fatigue...