but all the same I hate it...

sigh.

I have nothing. I can't t get above water to write - yet in my head my thoughts are racing - I just can't capture them.

In my head for now, plays "Ordinary World" - been playing for a while. Now it is stuck playing that... and it works, it's okay... gotta play something.... thank you Duran Duran:

"Ordinary World"

Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly

I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you

What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
"Pride will tear us both apart"
Well now pride's gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart

What is happening to me?
Crazy, some'd say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk

And I don't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Every one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world
Every one
Is my world "

And this song "So What Happens Now". It relates, not on a superficial level, which GOD I wish it did. How I long for the mundane to affect me again, to bother me, to be noticeable - but - this song relates as it describes a place of being stuck standing with, well, a hell of a lot of "baggage" to carry for a long time - each with it's own unique affect, all about having to accept what is now - as now and as done. All huge pills to swallow. Each someone loved. Now gone. I don't mind carrying them per-say- it's not self-pity - it's more a child-like temper tantrum - I want them all back here, where they belong - in the life I recognize, in a place where I SWEAR I can get it right this time.... somehow I'll get Gwen to the doctor when I should and NONE of this cumulative affect will have occurred...And I'll be sharing Gwen with them, and everyone as we help her grow strong and live a full and inspiring life...our little heart-baby-warrior.

Nope. Instead we are handed this. This. No. No. No. This is not okay.

So - what happens now. For each of us. Will my husband return? Will I ever be the mother I want to be? Will all those that loved Winship, all those that loved Marie - will they work through this okay? What happens now?

So, for now - here's these lyrics - they've visited me a lot since May. Now they also, stick around more... enough to stick 'em up here... since I want to write but I have nothing to say anymore.

So I'll just borrow and borrow other words for now....even as I find it kinda juvenile myself, here I go:

"I don't expect my love affairs to last for long
Never fool myself that my dreams will come true
Being used to trouble I anticipate it
But all the same I hate it - wouldn't you?

So what happens now?
Another suitcase in another hall
So what happens now?
Take your picture off another wall
Where am I going to?
You'll get by, you always have before
Where am I going to?

Time and time again I've said that I don't care
That I'm immune to gloom, that I'm hard through and through
But every time it matters all my words desert me
So anyone can hurt me - and they do

So what happens now?
Another suitcase in another hall
So what happens now?
Take your picture off another wall
Where am I going to?
You'll get by you always have before
Where am I going go?

Call in three months time and I'll be fine I know
Well maybe not that fine, but I'll survive anyhow
I won't recall the names and places of each sad occasion
But that's no consolation -- here and now

So what happens now?
Another suitcase in another hall
So what happens now?
Take your picture off another wall
Where am I going to?
You'll get by, you always have before
Where am I going to?
Don't ask anymore

----
I don't ask anymore. I don't have an ounce of energy left even for that question, maybe that is why that song resonates - for that one line.

sigh