Jealous of a House

The burned-down house mentioned earlier here- it is being rebuilt. I'm back in New York for the holiday. And I drove by the house - and here it was. And I was jealous.

Oh for replaceable things.

Simple, replace things.

I re-read old posts just now, on Gwen's blog - a month before she died in the days after she came home from CHOP. I don't know who wrote those words. It is not the same person who writes here. I barely know this person who types with hands I see connected to my body.

Earlier this evening I looked at pictures of Winship this summer -and of Maire - And I last saw her a year ago - at Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving when I was newly devastated. We had just gone to UVA.. it was a year ago this Monday, tomorrow, when learned the specifics of Gwen's heart condition. And it was the last time I saw Marie, our trip down for the holiday.

The world sees me on the outside, my exterior. It appears no different to them. And I watch - I look back at the world - and everything is re-written and in a language I'm only just learning. A language I'm not sure will ever lend words that would make sense to anyone.

I feel trapped in my head. I wish I could step out of my life for a week and face it all head-on... this stranger inside. Sort it out. Feel, fully, how horrible I feel and angry and sad- instead of bites here and there when daily life will allow... I want to tackle it down so I can start to aquatint myself with whom ever lives here now, this other person who claims to be me - who is buried under pain beyond pain and care and concern for so many affected by fall-out (there is so much fall-out here) - this person inside stuck tackling a "normal life" demanding attention and energy with no time to let me in on who she is and what is going on.

The house that burned down is being rebuilt. My life is rebuilding itself without my imput.

Time - sure - they say it "heals all wounds." That is a lie. My wounds are stealing time... Time has a knife to my back. There is no choice - I'm barreling forward - and I can put on a face the world needs and wants to see... I can show "healing" - but yea - inside this house being rebuilt is nothing - no floors, no stairs, no rooms. So sure, see what you want to see - a new house being built - but if you look in the windows... Just walls. Walls. Exterior. Nothing inside.

And in there, a stranger lives.

and she is so tired. really tired. and sad.