Oh the confusion.
I am so happy today.
A cousin was born today. She is so beautiful. Really - one of those babies that has such perfect features, even just after birth.
I'm not that "close" with her mama. We are second or third cousins. And we didn't grow up seeing each other all that much (which is too bad, we only lived an hour away). But I have no first cousins - so I appreciate this one of the handful I do have...and she even lives not to far away now, in our "grown-up" lives...we saw her this weekend even, when in D.C. - So even as we don't really talk much or hang out much - her baby is so exciting to me, I'm really so happy to see her little face as she is announced on facebook and can't wait to see more photos and follow her as she grows up.
And I want to tell her mama also - that she had the same due date as Gwen and now, the "due date" it's her birthday (more or less, April 8th was the due dates). This could have been Gwen's birthday a year ago (let's be honest here, since I can here in this little place (hopefully hidden place, from anyone who knows me in real life) of mine, it should have been, and she should have been just as healthy).
However, for this new baby cousin to be born today, is a good thing - is a sign of a blessing in my eyes! But, in the "real" world, it just - well, no one wants to hear about your dead baby, the one with the heart defect - so I'll keep it all to myself - how Gwen's connection to today blesses it. And is sad too. Things like this are the reason the term bitter-sweet was invented.
I hope, also (and don't like that I feel this way) but now that my cousin holds her - that she maybe knows what we lost, finally - and I'm not looking at all for sympathy - but it would be nice to be seen, if that makes sense, and for Gwen's loss to be a little more real for people other than us, (and of course I know it's real to a few close family and dear friends, - one friend who even put her picture on her fridge...it brought tears to my eyes - that's a real friend!).
We are supposed to carry each other and I know I am being carried - I know it to shame honestly, and to complete humbleness ... but, let me just say... even so... it's sad when some (and I'm not even speaking so much of this cousin who just had a baby) but how some people in your own family are not the ones who are there for you. I don't understand it. I'm sure I never will.
So I'll quietly have extra sadness for Gwen today - even as I also LOVE that her cousin's birthday is today. It is wonderful, but only to me, and as I said, also well, I lament that my baby girl didn't get to be an April baby last year. And here, with people I hope won't judge me, I'll say it - the bitter-sweetness that I wish I could speak openly about... and then try to lay it down here and move on.
I know that bitter-sweet feeling. Hearing the good news, being excited and saying all the right words then putting the phone down and bursting into tears. I am genuinely happy for my friends and family when they announce marriages, pregnancy and baby births, but boy am I jealous too! But it's not something you can talk about openly so you wipe away the tears, and get on with the day.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are able to find happiness in your cousins baby's birth, and it's a lovely connection with Gwen. One day I'm sure you'll share that connection with your cousin when the conversation leads that way.
Jackie. You are the best. I appreciate your understanding and your "listening" and acknowledging me here... thank you.
ReplyDeleteI have a few close friends whom share your same bitter-sweet feelings when those type of events happen for their friends and family, and I feel for them (not pity, just ya know, I hear them) -just the other day a friend was telling me about exactly that state in reaction to someone she knew announcing her engagement - so I hear you...and so yea, you get what I'm talking about, genuine care and happiness for the other - but yea, at the same time recognizing quietly the conundrum of feelings inside... I wouldn't even call it jealousy - but just an honest nod to your own personal quiet longings... that if situations were reversed, it would visit upon the other person just as naturally.
And thanks for your optimism. I'm not so sure...I may just keep it to myself, how I see it as so special this little girl was born a year from when we expected ours - less the world think I'm obsessive with ya know, "my own problems."
People (some people, not all) do, they mean well, but they also give you a certain amount of time and then they start to cast judgment and toss out labels or disappear. At least, that how it seems - I could be way off and reading people wrong... so I dunno. I have enough friends who are really there (even as every single one of them is busy). But I can't complain.
But YES, thank you - it is a lovely connection with Gwen - it really is! :)
Yeah, people do expect you to 'get over' stuff and 'move on', and if you don't there must be something wrong with you... I say ignore those people. Stick to conversations about the weather with them in future.
ReplyDeleteI don't have anyone I can honestly talk to about the way I feel. No one can change my situation or make me 'feel better', they'll just feel sorry for me and yeah you're right, I don't want anyones pity.
Anyway, enough about me, maybe keeping your connection to yourself will help to keep it special. Sometimes things lose that 'specialness' (is that a word?) if you share them, especially if the person you shared with doesn't 'get it'!
I love the raw honesty and feelings of your blog, its reality for us both.
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