"I won't live my life filled with doubt and fear in sight. Don't hear a word the newsman says. Some may wait for Kingdom come. I'm happy when my day is done. History waits for no one by the way."
Could I be getting to the point where I'm tired of the crappy feelings inside? Could I be ready to say, "screw it - I'm tired of it - this world sucks and I'm going to step right in anyway." I'm not going to pretend anything is rosy or I'm suddenly full of courage. But, I recall a definition of courage as "literally the amount of heart" - the roots of the word are related to the heart. So, with that - I will say - my heart is heavy, but pissed off - enough I think - that I'm ready to say "screw you," back to the suckyness in life. I'm going to be reckless - and try again.
I think.
Reckless because I'm "in the know" now - I know having children is all about deciding to let your heart walk outside the body (another good quote...I put it on Gwen's blog somewhere). Reckless because I'm not bliss about the whole baby thing - I'm onto it - I know what can happen. So it feels, for me, so unsafe - so reckless to go down that path again. I get genetics. I get chance. I get statistics and how they fly out the window when it is YOUR baby on the wrong side of the stats.
I was done with two. I was thrilled with two. I didn't love pregnancy (even as I had it fairly easy compared to some). I had the BEST - all-natural birth for Gwen, even with induction by Piticon at 37 weeks (how can I top that?). And everything that followed is now just photos and well - in a box (still in my basement - but I do have an urn...I'm getting there). I face nine months of fear and allllllll of this next child's babyhood. Life. Whole life. I fear for Lil every moment. So - again. No safety exepct to decide NOT to open our home up to a third child.
Reckless. Abandon. But isn't that all life is ANYWAY? Isn't that what I learned by now? Three people gone in a blink. And we all loved them (they were so loved - so many hurt in their absences- oh the heaviness). When you love you risk everything. Caring is reckless abandon. But, when it comes down to it - the alternative - well, you minus well fill up with nothing but anger and bitterness (all well and truly acceptable - there is MUCH to apply that to). But what's the point? And who has the energy - we, it seems, I think anyway, are designed with an inclination to love and be loved - it for sure, takes less energy.
So maybe I just ran out of energy. Maybe in some ways, this is the easy way out. Living and loving anyway. With the blinders off. Expecting pain.
Maybe. I think I'm thinking this. Or maybe it's just the coffee and no breakfast yet.
The other quote that speaks to me is "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."
And believe me. I'm not roaring here. But the idea of "Flirting with Disaster" comes to mind. I'm not venturing in this direction with any expectations except that every step will be with fear, but I think the bite is gone - the sting, of fear and doubt. What am I to fear? I've lost three (I've known Marie and Winship for 12 years -she was only 19 he 23 - they were my sib's too, they were). If I must loose more - I am helpless in it all - so why not risk it - and who knows - maybe Gwen will have a little brother or sister - here.
Maybe my children will grow up well and strong. Maybe the rest of their beloved Aunts and Uncles will stick around (please!!! God? Please). Maybe my children will survive their teens and early twenties. Maybe all of their grandchildren will be around to see them off, when their time comes, at a ripe, old, old age (oh, I look at old people and I am jealous....but that's another story another day.)
Maybe we will keep getting hit at every corner.
I don't know.
But, what the Hell? Life is only living. I have no place to go, besides the places in my head. But they aren't real. Maybe I can carve something decent out of my time here - even with my heart dragging its weight along, sick and tired of it all (all of it - the good and the bad - all of it).
I lost three. Go ahead life. You've done your worst. Please, be done. Please make this year your worst. And I know- I'm talking to the wall. Life doesn't work that way. Heartache is for the living. And here I am.
And it's okay. I can live with heartache.
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So I looked up the singer and found this song among his collection...and I think it applies to my Gwen pretty well - even though I am sure it wasn't written about child-loss I'm claiming it -except I'd rather see her down here...but it's okay - the message of the song still rings true - if she had to go then Love is the greatest healer and she's healed and full more than any of us here could ever be. Some children don't stay. Mine was one of them. Some children don't stay. Mine was one. And I know, with a heavy, heavy heart, how not alone she is - gone from here - with so many other little children.
She may be at peace, she may have been an "Angel flying too close to the ground" but I'll still be her advocate here - I'll not be at peace for her childhood gone, for her lifetime smaller than my heart believes it should have been, but I'll let her fly and try to take heart in that - that somehow her soul was too big for her little body - she needed wings -I gave her life by God's Grace- and that is no small thing, but she in the end - couldn't stay, and I pray that God did give her wings, that He is there, and I will see her again. In the meantime - today is another day and I gotta live it, for better or worse.
And yes, I'm learning to live alongside sadness. It honestly feels a bit like I'm insane. But I don't know how else to be. I can soak in the moment and appreciate beauty and goodness like never before and yet be sad, desperately sad even in the same moment - in every moment. And a little angry too. I just carry it all - and it's okay. It works.
My heart can handle simulations emotions and I'm okay with that.
Angel Flying too Close to the Ground
If you had not have fallen
Then I would not have found you
Angel flying too close to the ground
And I patched up your broken wing
And hung around a while
Tried to keep your spirits up
And your fever down
I knew someday that you would fly away
For love's the greatest healer to be found
So leave me if you need to
I will still remember
Angel flying too close to the ground
Fly on, fly on past the speed of sound
I'd rather see you up
Than see you down
Leave me if you need to
I will still remember
Angel flying too close to the ground
(sung by Raul Malow - written I think, by Willie Nelson)
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And a few more things from Gwen's blog - to share here. Worth posting twice.
"I will see you in the light of a thousand suns
I will hear you in the sound of the waves
I will know you when I come, as we all will come
Through the doors beyond the grave"
-Chapman Beth Nielsen
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There you were, and it was like spring -
like the first fair water with the light on it,
hitting the eyes.
Why are we made the way we are made, that to love
is to want?
Well you are gone now, and this morning I have walked out
to the back shore,
to the ocean which, even if we think we have measured it,
has no final measure.
Sometimes you can see the great whales there,
breaching and playing.
Sometimes the swans linger just long enough
for us to be astonished.
Then they lift their wings, they become again
a part of the untouchable clouds.
- Mary Oliver
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I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains, --- but the best is lost.
The answers quick & keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,
They are gone. They have gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
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So every day
So every day
I was surrounded by the beautiful crying forth
of the ideas of God,
one of which was you.
- Mary Oliver
Hoping you feel peace as you think about a brother or sister for Gwen and Lil.
ReplyDeleteYour words about courage and bravery are so beautiful and true.
I think of you and your Gwen often.