rejecting

Christmas. This year.

Lil puts one of the first ornaments on the tree (a little bow that isn't even an ornament, but perfect for her age to place on the tree). She puts it on the tree and says, "this is to remember Gwenyth, Aunt Marie and Uncle Winship."

We haven't been doing anything of the sort lately - so it is amazing to see her do that on her own. And I'm always sure she is done with that sort of sweet thing. But she amazes us constantly and of her own volition - she remembers them with little rituals, out of the blue. It is sweet.

and sad.

I don't want them remembered. I don't want Christmas without.

And here it comes.

Myers sobbed for the second time this season. This time tonight, was after he heard "I'll be home for Christmas" playing. I think you can guess why that struck a chord.

I think I know why I've been stoic - why I'm holding in everything - because my husband is reaching his lowest since the events of Oct. I see it. I feel it. I add to it (without trying to of course). And he is sad and each day, sadder. The Holiday Season is affecting him in all the ways they warn about for those in grief. And they say, often times when one is up, the other is down, when a husband and wife are both grieving. And "up" is the wrong word, but you know what I mean.

And it is true. And I'm tired of that too. SO tired of the dance in this hell called "grief" where he and I rarely meet each other in the same plane of existence.

So to be honest - I've started to fear January a little - because I've packaged a lot away already and will keep doing so. But, it may feel really good to let go and fall apart at last, by then. Maybe when I'm taking down the tree and begin to feel a new year, full year, entire year, without, closing in...overwriting the time when she was here, when they were all here...maybe that is when I'll let go. I can see that as a strong possibility.

But for now...I'm sad in every cell of my body - but I'm rejecting it, willfully. I've too much to do for the Holidays and Lil's birthday, and a husband crumbling - it is way more than I can manage between the two.

And I can live this way. I can. It is okay. There is no choice. I don't have a choice. And I'm tired of how awful I feel - it is so exhausting to ache constantly in the pit of your stomach. So - I reject it all.

I do.

really.

this is me. rejecting. I do not accept the sadness I feel. Go. Begone. Away with you. I have no room or energy to deal with you... and you ask for all of my time and energy. So good riddance, you pesky, life-hindering, life-altering, mind-bending, unbearable sadness.