trying to keep the nose up

Sprial.

Down.

Can't go down. can't. Must keep up - steady - forward.

Carrying everything. But ignoring it. Mostly. Or trying to.

Today, sweet Lil walked into nursery school - after holding me for a while - she went to sleep so late and I knew she was going to be tired. She was. And today it meant she didn't want to let go of her paci or me. I held her (even as I was very late for my dentist appt. -first one since before Lil was born...). I kneeled down and held her and she held me with her strong little arms.

Soon enough she decided to join the class. I heard her then say Gwenyth's name to the teacher. And then I registered what she said as I peaked in to catch her looking down and holding out her shirt.

It is a little green shirt with a silver butterfly - the wings are hearts.


She told the teacher that her shirt was to remember Gwenyth with.


I told her when I gave it to her (knowing she wanted her own butterflies, like my earrings I have, to remember those we lost with...which is of course, another story) , this was her butterfly to remember Gwenyth with. That was two months ago now, I think. I am stunned that she recalled that and shared it today. I'm so proud of Lil - she is the world's best big sister - she takes such good care of Gwen's memory - I'm so proud.

...and sad that this is her role. This is the only way she gets to be Gwen's big sister.

Later, when packing her princess dresses to take to her friends house she said that maybe when Gwenyth grew up and got bigger that Gwenyth could wear her dresses. My brain scrambled. Uh oh. Does Lil think Gwen is coming back at some point? Is this where we learn that Lillian hasn't really understood this whole, "your sister is dead" thing?

I said all I could say - "But Gwenyth is not here anymore," as kindly as I could, with a somewhat questioning tone.

And without missing a beat she said, "Yes, but she's in heaven. And when she grows bigger there she can wear my dresses."

I told her with the happiest voice how wonderful that would be and that I'd love to think about how old Gwen would be with her, and think about when she would be big enough to wear these dresses.

Could I be more blessed? No. Two girls whom I love so much - it hurts. I love them both to tears....and sometimes like now - the sweet sadness leaves me no where to settle but overwhelmed with emotions - all other the place. My cup runeth over. But how do you describe this state of mind, what is it that my cup runeth over with? What is the word the encaptures the love for two girls balanced somehow between sorrow, pain, and thankfulness and joy?

possibly insanity?
----

My red scarf - I found it when cleaning my closet this weekend. Red is Winship's color (don't ask - it's again, another story). The scarf is one that Marie also had, her mom gave us both the same one. So to find it - and see that it had Marie and Winship together - that I had forgotten it and there it was -a little bit of Marie- and of course, it is red - so I recall Winnie... I like wearing it and having it with me.

I carry them with me. Gwen was heavy enough. But they too, there isn't a choice -we carry them too - I carry and fight off all that is in my head - January. maybe January.
---
I read a blog today about a little baby I'm following who is struggling for her life - and the photo today, that they posted - it reminded me so much of Gwen, that day - the day she left.

I kept trying not to look. But I couldn't help it - and that did it. Spiral. I saw myself going straight down - and I can't do that today. I can't.
---

And so I write instead of getting to my enormous "to do" list on this one day I have while Lil is at a friends house.

But it helps. I'm not spiraling now. I have things to tend to that need time and brain power (one being addressing my Christmas cards - that have Gwen's picture and thank everyone for their love and care this year - I gotta get to those...I have to...).

I dropped some things off my head here and I'm not heading down into the ground anymore...

I can do this. I can keep it all at bay and be okay. I can fly straight through and stay on course.

(as if there is "a course")
---

(The shirt above sold at The Children's Place)